FAVORITE NITEMARE

2005-04-14T07:34:00.000-05:00

2005-03-31T19:09:00.000-06:00

2005-03-31T17:57:00.000-06:00

2005-03-31T13:10:00.000-06:00

2005-03-24T08:26:00.000-06:00

ave et vale

2005-03-19T15:23:00.000-06:00

That means goodbye and farewell...to Blogger, but not blogg-ing. Thanks to the technical genius of EJFlavors and Saga, I have stepped my game up; thus, being able to bring forth: FaveNiteDotCom Right now, it's pretty grimey- but I promise in the coming weeks, it'll be off the hook. Radioblog. Random pics of craziness. And of course, just writing from the soul. If you blogrolled me or bloglined me, be sure to reset the URL... FavoriteNitemare is no more. FaveNite is born. Until next time.

let me be your

2005-03-18T01:19:00.000-06:00

Where'd I come up with the name "Favorite Nitemare" you ask? From a surface standpoint, it is a term used in Mos Def's "The BoogieMan Song" hook: I am the most beautiful boogieman The most beautiful boogieman Let me be your favorite nitemare Close your eyes and I'll be right there But it goes deeper than that. Much like my Top 10 movies and the TK12, I have a series of nitemares that haunt me on a regular basis; that is, when I'm able to go to sleep. Currently, there are five (5) and I think I will illustrate each one periodically as a bridge into my upcoming new blogsite, FaveNiteDotCom... Favorite Nitemare's Favorite Nitemare #1: The Room Four walls. No door. No window. I don't even know how I got in there, but there's no way out. On the walls, pictures of Simone. On the ceiling, all the awards and plaques I've acquired over the years. On the floor, broken glass. In the corner, a mahogany casket. I have a serious fear of dead people, but curiosity overwhelmed the phobia. I open the casket to find my body laying there in a black suit, white shirt and piano tie. I don't look old; there's just a speckle of gray hair at the temples. My lifeless face holds a frown. There's a picture of my son and daughter in my left hand. The same hand has no wedding ring on it. In my right hand is a small bottle of cucumber-melon lotion. In my front pocket is an old TDK 60-minute cassette tape and, on the label in my handwriting, is the phrase "My Bride" - a song I wrote for Simone's first wedding as she walked down the ailse. By the youthful, unhappy look on my dead face, I see that I didn't last much longer and I died in depression. The lights go out. I hear the corpse speak...it's my voice whispering: "This is your destiny. Stop trying to fight it. She doesn't want you. Nobody wants you. All those talents. Gifts. They were just devices of torture, because no matter what you do- you will always be alone." I've had this dream @ least 8 times in the last year. The phrase is EXACTLY the same. The nitemare is exactly the same. So I get up and I stay up. Scared to go back to sleep. Wishing I could go back just to rest for work. After the third time, I began to welcome FN#1, because having a nitemare implies that you are asleep.

fave on (the sequel)

2005-03-17T15:35:00.000-06:00

fave on music Thank GOD for XM Radio Channel 61, The Flow. It is because of them that I don't have to hear the highly rotated trash on conventional radio. It is well worth the 9.95 (soon 2 be 12.95...dayum!) per month to listen to the likes of Anthony David, Goapele and Eric Cire 24/7 - whether I'm driving to the gym or to another state. Because I'm not in the mainstream, inhaling the raw sewage aka manufactured music, I'm happy with the state of music. There are a number of cats out there who are still paying hommage to real soulful music: Raheem DeVaughn, Jaquar Wright, India, Eryka, et al. The other station that gets mad airplay in my ride is XM Radio Channel 65, The Rhyme. We got the likes of Mos Def, Talib and Common keeping hip hop alive...but remember when cats like them were the norm instead of the exception??? I can listen to Whodini's "One Luv" then switch it to Souls of Mischief "'93 til Infinity" and after that, ride into "Fight the Power" by P.E. It's like I get high off the music and it somehow injects some audible endorphin into my soul, using my ears as the conduit. Thanks goes out to Run DMC, Rakim, Grandmaster Flash, Kwame, MC Lyte, Latifah, et al. fave on sex Why is it, when I tell someone my birthday, they immediately ascertain my astrological sign (e.g., Scorpio) and automatically classify me as some chandelier-swinging, butt-plug toting, leather whip-carrying, porno collection-having, freak? Let me be the first to say this: I do NOT have a butt blug. As for the other stuff, well I was young...what can I say? (lol) I hate the way we, as a society, have desensitized our culture with overdoing the whole sexuality concept; particularly how we objectify our women (i.e., black women). I remember when a nice fitting skirt, accentuating some calf muscle definition and an apple bottom, was enough to spark imagination. Nowadays, I can see draws (or lack thereof), muffin-breasts (the kind that rise out the shirt) and high-heel sneakers (let me find the idiot who invented those, I'll kill 'em!) on any given street corner, grocery store or church. It's all about knocking out some ass and, once upon a time, I was just as guilty of playing the same game(s). Now that I've decided to use the wisdom GOD gave me a long time ago, I understand that sex is more than how many times you climax or if you can walk to work the next day. It's more than honey drippings, rose pedals, hot oil massages, diapers and baby chickens (okay, I'm telling on myself). Until you have experienced a true, mental connection and an emotional bond- you are just phucking like any other animal. Hopefully, you might even get to experience sex with a lifetime committed spouse. Although I've never had that experience, I'm assuming that it would be the bomb because that's how GOD designed it in the first place. Anything originally designed and executed by GOD has got to be the ultimate. fave on love Because love is vastly different from sex. When I think of love, I think of quotes that have stayed with me over the years: "Love is a four letter word, like f**k and sh*t" - Eddie Griffin "Love is alibi, a motive, an excuse to have sex." -Duane Martin "Love is a mutual agreement between two emotional fools." -Barry Ousley "Love is biochemically the same as consuming large amounts of chocolate." -Al Pacino "Love is of God; and everyone that love is born of GOD, and knoweth God." -I John 4:7 The funny thing is, I can accept all these doctrines. Sometimes, all in the same hour (lol). fave on aromatherapy as a function of regulating totalitarialism in private urban society In other words, you must smell good to hang @ my crib. I just couldn't end this post on a serious note. Until next time, remember that the integral of a cosecant square of X, times the derivative of X is equal to the negative cotangent of X, plus a constant...

fave on

2005-03-16T23:47:00.000-06:00

fave on family It's no secret that I am an only child. While most people equate that to having a "spoiled" upbringing; one who would judge me as having said upbringing would be sadly mistaken. My father is the 2nd oldest out of 15 and my mother is the 2nd oldest out of 5. Both grew up in very loving, yet humble households with not a lot of material things. The end result? Two people who busted their ass to make sure their only son had the things he needed and sometimes wanted. They made me work for stuff. I was out pushing a lawn mower in 90-degree weather across an acre of grass for $35 per week...at age 11. But $35 per week, in the mid 80s, was balling for a preteen. My parents were very overprotective and extremely judgemental. All they ever said to me was "Go to school and get a job," but after I had done that...there wasn't much direction. Over the years, I picked up talent after talent from public speaking to singing to writing to dayum near everything. But I never felt like they were proud of me. Their friends and co-workers would say that my parents were proud of me, but I never heard them (parents) say it to me until I graduated from college. Despite my dislikes, my parents are still together and they spent their prime years sacrificing for me. Now that they are retired and approaching 30 years of marriage, I see them in a different light. Even now, my father takes care of the house and my mother does her thing. I did everything I could to distance myself from them in my 20s- in order to make a name for myself. I wasn't big on family because- hell, there were only three (3) of us. Now that I am a parent, it haunts me that I will never be able to give my children the type of life I had growing up: a life where the people that made them are together. I can send money, call and visit...but I have to maintain a style of parenting that I didn't experience. Society says that I'm more successful than my parents: I finished college and they didn't. I'm in white collar society while they struggled in blue collar stress. I have a 401(k) and stocks and they still put money under the mattress. WTFever... My mother and father built and maintained a family. They are the successful ones. I value family more now than I ever did. fave on work I love my job. I was born to do the job I have and all the many facets. The travelling is cool, but sometimes it can be a bore. The interactions with various people in various parts of the country is interesting, but I don't have a core group of people I connect with on a regular basis. Sometimes, my colleagues can come off as real a**holes. Other times, they can be extremely helpful. As much as I want to believe them, I don't believe nor expect any of them to want me to succeed. I'm creative, professional and possess a resume full of accolades-- but I'm an educated black man...Corporate America's biggest threat and unspoken arch nemesis. I slipped through the cracks of the system through the grace of GOD. That same grace is what motivates me to do better and stay confident, even when my cohorts sometimes try to make me feel incompetent. I'm still new to the company. I'm still learning. I have a purpose and I'm going to keep doing my thing until that purpose is realized. A fellow black colleague told me something that resonates in my spirit daily: You are never as bad as they try to make you think, but you're also not as good as you would like to think. That is my corporate mantra. Can't nobody hold me down. fave on literature I just published my first book of poetry entitled Into Words: a poetic plethora. It is a collection of poetry and songs inspired by Simone. Initially, it was a Valentine's Day present to her- but it also evolved into a token of expression I've shared with a handful of fellow writers/bloggers in the universe. The project turned out better than I could have ever imagined (despite the production delay) and I'm pumped to finalize my next project: my inagural novel. The manuscript is done and I'm in the process of identifying someone to proof-read and edit it (hint hint) so that I can publish it by Winter 2005. This novel is, what I call, a "love chronicle" and takes you through some intense ups and downs between two lovers over the most formidable years of their lives. Unlike the poetry book, this will be a sho nuff book release (party in the ATL y'all) and I'm looking forward to working on two other books that I've already outlined. When am I going to find the time? Who knows...maybe if I take a week's vacation, I can knock one out ;) fave on art The art bug bit me back in 2002 and I've been doing music-inspired paintings ever since. I've had my spurts of inspiration here and there and I think it's time to get back into it. I need outlets...creative outlets. I can't let my job consume me. My painting is a derivative of one of my first gifts (i.e., art) and, when I'm in the zone, it can be very therapeutic. On top of it's relaxing powers, I'm really interested in getting some of my work into the visual arts community. I've met an art teacher and visited local galleries; based on my conversations, I could definitely put something on display in the summer. Now, if I can only knock out some hotness. I can paint a 16" x 20" acrylic jump off in about 8-10 man hours. I'll just have to find those hours in the course of the next few months. --- That's enough for now, until next time...

while the magic shave keeps burning

2005-03-16T09:40:00.000-06:00

I woke up @ 5am, with no desire to return to slumber. I got out of bed, made a "FaveShake" (i.e., frozen banana, "scrawburrs," skim milk & a scoop of vanilla soy protein) and proceeded to clean my kitchen that was in dire need of Pine-Sol and a dishwasher cycle. Last nite, I worked out really REALLY hard @ the gym - trying to relieve the mega-frustrations I endured @ work and beyond. Afterwards, I broke down and bought a vacuum cleaner; my apt. is 90% carpeted (although, I TRULY miss hardwood floors!), so it was just a matter of time. I put it together and tried it out this morning. And yes, I actually saw a difference-- I didn't even realize my living room floor was this color (lol)! I officially got caught up in the online trading game today. I got an account on ShareBuilder and I got a handful of JamDat and Aeropostale stocks. It's actually pretty interesting and I've been meaning to get into it for years. I figure "I blow my money on all miscellaneous bullshyt," I might as well start a hobby that educates me and potentially makes my money work for me. The powers that be @ DreamHost finally approved my webhosting account this morning. This means that FaveNiteDotCom is coming closer to fruition! I'm hella excited about it. This will be the new home for my blog and will include pics of all the crazy shyt I see in my travels in addition to a BANGING radio blog potentially entitled "FAVES (FunkyAssVeryEclecticSounds)." It just might be on the same level of EJ's OSW. Last week, I realized that I have a brand-new, rolled Scarface poster in the back window of my car. So that means, I only have three (3) posters left to acquire out of my Top 10: Under the Cherry Moon, House Party and Juice. I finally bought frames (ranging from $20-25 a pop) for all of my existing posters and they are hung up in my living room. The industry standard size for movie posters is 27" x 40", so they're pretty big. I'm having second thoughts on my "She Hate Me" jump off. It's only 18" x 24"....but it came from France and the text is in French; thus, enhancing its value and uniqueness. However, it looks a little "young" up there with all the BIG posters. I may have to break down and get a large, U.S. version...dayum. It's a balmy, raining Wednesday in the Muddy South. I guess I'll go make something happen. Until next time...

TK12: grownandsexyspaceagesoul

2005-03-14T09:42:00.000-06:00

EJ challenged me to this music meme 2 me by way of Todd. It couldn't have come @ a better time because I was relunctant to doing a baker's dozen due to the fact that my overall weekend acheived high levels of suckery in the excitement department. Anyway, here are the rules from Todd: - An artist is only allowed one song on the list. - Post radio.blog (if you can). - A sentence or two on why each song makes the list. Being a musician and music officiando of all genres, from John Legend to Public Enemy to Gregorian Chant and back to Boyz II Men, I decided to keep my TK12 within the realm of my favorite genre: grownandsexyspaceagesoul = R&B, soul and alternative. This was harder than I had anticipated, but I made it through. I am on my way to creating a new and improved blog with emphasis on music, entertainment and travel...please believe my radio blog will be the jump off. Until then, here it goes: 01 - "Uhh Ahh (the sequel)" by Boyz II Men Boyz II Men is the group that inspired me to pursue music, so they will always be special to me. Uhh Ahh (the sequel) was the bridge that carried them from innocent boys to seasoned men, from a musical perspective. 02- "Sweet Lullaby" by Deborah Bond I was in my "live instrumentation" phase back in '04 when a friend from D.C. turned me on to this songstress. This was the first song I heard from her and it is what made me fall in love (with her voice and the music). 03 - "Blame" by Juice A white guy with an acoustic guitar meets a black guy with a soulful voice. A classic indie single where folk meets funk and the subject matter is as simple as morning dew. Anyone can relate to this underground classic. 04 - "Just to Keep You Satisfied" by Marvin Gaye I heard this song while watching Baby Boy and the music caught me so much, that I remember the song moreso than the scene in which it played. It's Marvin, baby...so it goes without saying. 05 - "Come Over" by Faith Evans I love songs that get right to the point...this is one of them. Plus, Faith is my "first" musical goddess. 06 - "Prototype" by Andre 3000 You can't put this song is a real category, but the simplicity and bassline is the shiznit. 07 - "Half Crazy" by Musiq Soulchild I was not a fan of midgetsoulchild until I caught wind of this jawn. I think I'm just into the production, the guitar, the subject matter (that is all too familar). 08 - "I Love You (more than you'll ever know)" by Donny Hathaway I remember playing this 23985462139869238 times while driving in the rain for hours - headed nowhere - after my engagement failed. It was while listening to this cut, that a new life was given to me. It wasn't about my loving her so much, but Donny's voice was like GOD telling me how much He loved me...more than I'll ever know. 09 - "Ordinary Morning" by Sheryl Crow Believe it or not, this song has a Prince vibe to it, which is probably why I like it so much. I used to play this one every Saturday morning in the "A." 10 - "Life Can Be So Nice" by Prince I was probably the only 11-year old feeling this song and the movie it was in, Under the Cherry Moon. I knew something was wrong with me then ;) 11 - "He Loves Me" by Jill Scott Jill Scott joined the ranks of Faith Evans as my musical goddess when I first heard this song. Then when I saw her thick, beautiful self in a magazine, as I listened for the first time, I was immediately hooked...forever. 12 - "Therapy" by Barry & Poetic Mindz This song was another indie collaboration birthed out of the creativity of a poet, a musician and a singer. It's the classic tale of being the "rebound" person, from a male outlook. On a small scale, this song got very consistent airplay and it was a rush to drive home and hear MY music on the radio.

what it's all about

2005-03-12T19:41:00.000-06:00

loving livestock in bright blue pants

2005-03-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

I was driving back from lunch @ my apartment, listening to Lyfe's "Stick Up Kid" and reciting the lyrics: "That's why I be robbing niggas/I'm a stick up kid/That's how I live/I admit it..." The track is so slow-groove-ish that's it's uncanny how his raspy vocals resonates a story of crime. Bananas, I tell you. After about 10 minutes of travel, I exit off the interstate with only a mile left to go before I'm back @ work. I was waiting @ the traffic lite staring @ my surroundings, when the view in front of me caught my eye. There was a black, dumptruck with two cows laying in the truck bed. Not dead cows. Slaughtered cows. These were two plain-ass cows "spooning" in the back of this truck. I don't know if they were dead, sleep or just in love. Then I got to thinking, since they're both cows, we're talking girl-on-girl action here! It was a wild sight to see. Before I could capture the imagery on my camera phone, the truck pulled off and headed towards the expressway...dayum. I know I'll never see some ill ish like that again. But there's still one mile to go... There's another traffic light about 300 yards from the last one. Naturally, I have to stop @ it. I decide to turn into the corner store on my left and pick up an oatmeal cream pie (my guilty pleasure). I park in the lot and I see a man who has to be between 146 and 157 years old. He has on these bright blue slacks with brown socks and black shoes. I'm not talking just bright blue; this was the kind of blue that is only birthed out of nuclear radioactivity. And no, I'm not hating on someone less fortunate-- this was not a homeless person or a retirement home escapee. This was just an old dude in some poorly-selected outfit. We both went into the store. I got my oatmeal cream pie and he got two (2) pints of Wild Irish Rose (lol). That explains his clothes! People (and cow) watching had reached an apex for the day and I proceeded to come back to work.

operation fave 10

2005-03-08T19:40:00.000-06:00

It has been my dream that I would have the original movie posters of my Top 10 All-Time Favorite Movies hanging on my walls. This dream began about two (2) years ago and I'm glad I took my time acquiring the posters because 2004 was a year when two out of my top 10 were replaced with movies that debuted in '04. Nevertheless, I have been patiently acquiring a poster here and a poster there to add to my Top 10 collection. It hasn't been easy, but through discretionary income, eBay and a debit card...I've attained a bulk of the collection over the past few months. Let me first disclose my Top 10 All-Time Favorite Movies (some may suprise you): #1 - Mo'Better Blues (1990) #2 - Under the Cherry Moon (1986) #3 - Hav Plenty (1998) #4 - Ray (2004) #5 - She Hate Me (2004) #6 - U-Turn (1997) #7 - Scarface (1983) #8 - The Best Man (1999) #9 - House Party (1990) #10- Juice (1991) So far, I've acquired #1, #3 , #6 and #8. I had #7, but I had to dispose of it due to unforeseen circumstances. #2 is hard as hell to find; but I saw it on eBay for $34 and surely, I can get a better deal if I keep searching. Just today, I found one on eBay for $8.50 (@ least, that's the bid as of now). In honor of the two new inductees, #4 and #5, I went the extra mile and got the Australian release poster of Ray and the French release poster of She Hate Me. It took a few weeks, but they finally came in while I was out of town. I went and bought frames for them afterwork today and I just hung them in my living room. They look really nice. Okay, I know this post is hella boring - but again, it's about fulfilling dreams...even if they're minor ones. At least I'm making them come true. I figure if I start off small, I'll work my way up to bigger dreams, grander visions...favorite nitemares...

i'm not DAT scrawng

2005-03-08T11:27:00.000-06:00

I need help. I recently acquired a nice, upright piano for my new apartment. Since it wouldn't fit in my SUV, I ended up renting a U-Haul for 2 hours to pick it up. I managed to get it off the truck by myself and into the storage shed underneath my apartment; however, there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to single-handedly take that 300 pound mound of wood, coils and metal up the one flight of stairs that come between my piano and my abode. This is where, living in a town with no friends or family, straight sucks. I have an uncle, but that cat is MIA on a regular basis. We just had a horrible thunderstorm last nite and I'm getting worried that my piano, being outside, may get some damage. I gotta figure something out. I need to find some strong crackheads and pay them to help me get it up those stairs. Wait a minute, "strong crackhead" is more like an oxymoron, isn't it? Anyway, that's just one of many things on my to-do list for the week. I'm also looking forward to relocating my blog to MT this month and launching my own radio-blog : ) It will be "different" to say the least in both layout and content. Until next time...

fave B12: keep it moving

2005-03-07T09:08:00.000-06:00

#1 Drove 10 hours on Friday in order to have birthday dinner with my son. I told him that he could have dinner ANYWHERE in town; thinking he'll scream Chuck E. Cheese or something. So where does he choose to have the festivities???? RED LOBSTER! I guess when Chuck adds a Ultimate Shrimp Trio to the menu, he'll holla. #2 Got a chance to see my Uncle Mike. He's the uncle that knows a little bit about everything. He reminds me of my late grandfather and I miss him a lot. #3 Went to see my paternal grandmother on Saturday. I'm almost 30 and I have BOTH grandmothers in my life...that's a blessing. We didn't talk much, but when we do, I don't feel like #6 out of 52 children. It's like I'm the only one in her world @ that moment. #4 Crashed @ my favorite place to stay and stay...especially when my job is not paying for it. I think I do it for more sentimental reasons than anything...lol. #5 Despite mixed reviews, I went to see Diary of a Mad Black Woman. It wasn't as bad as some said it was, but I don't see Tyler Perry @ the Oscars next year. I DO see that brotha @ the bank, though!!! #6 Had dinner @ the Olive Garden aka CarbFest 2005. It didn't matter, because the food was good. #7 Realized that I was on the same strip of restaurants where Simone and I went out on our first date 10 years ago. Back then, Chili's was the spot. #8 Although I grew up in this area, I found myself ready to come back to the dirty south. I do NOT miss my hometown. #9 I promised last year, that I would get her new luggage to replace her wedding present/Ray Charles tour kit/you-hear-it-before-u-see-it-on-the airport-conveyer-belt luggage. Last month, I saw a cute red luggage set on QVC. I was in Target and I saw a 4pc red luggage set...begging to get in my car. I acquired it and gave it to her. It wasn't about being in love with her as much as it was my keeping my word. She probably forgot that I said I would get it, but I've learned that being trusted is a far greater feeling that being loved. #10 Checked out of the hotel and headed back down the highway to pick up my son and take him back to spend his spring break with me and my parents. He spend most of the time sleeping and watching shows on his mini-DVD player. I talked on my cell, listening to XM radio and stopped only for bathroom/gas breaks. #11 My son was singing Smokie Norful's "I Need You Now" and knew the words better than me. I was very embarrassed. His tonality was pretty good for a little boy; maybe he'll sing like his dad. #12 So how can I summarize this B12? Let's see... son's bday gift = $100 hotel stay = $66 movie tickets = $15 candy & soda @ the movies = $16 (ridiculous) red lobster = $52 olive garden = $40 total miles driven = 1300+ total hours slept = 9 (over 3 day period) having a dramaless weekend = priceless

all I had

2005-03-02T23:10:00.000-06:00

This is my last blog entry because, despite my inexplicable anger/frustration/confusion- no one truly gives a phuck. If the person you love more than anything is willing to throw you away...all you got is yourself, right? In the grand scheme of things...that's all I had.

now what

2005-03-02T18:38:00.000-06:00

5:45pm...I just finished posting "jazz funeral" (timing's a trip, ain't it?) Hotel room phone rings. Only one person has the number. Fave: Hello? Simone: Hi. Fave: (long pause) Simone: Hello? Fave: Hello. Simone: Did you get my message? Fave: No. Simone: I left a message on your cellphone. Fave: My cellphone is dead. Simone: What? Fave: My cellphone is dead. Simone: Well, I left you a message to call me later. Fave: Oh. Simone: Were you planning on calling me today? Fave: No. Simone: O-kay. Well, I was calling to apologize for what I said last nite. I could've used a different choice of words and I didn't. I really didn't even care about you talking to her (Toya) and I wasn't trying to hurt you nor do I want to jepoardize this relationship. I love you and these are things I need to work on for myself, whether you decide to be there or not. Fave: Okay. Simone: Well, that's all I had to say. Fave: Thank you. I hang up. Went downstairs to Saks and looked at a $325 button up that looked just like the ones I saw @ Wal*Mart for $9.66. The reception is in 15 minutes. I'm out.

a jazz funeral

2005-03-02T17:07:00.000-06:00

Last nite was pretty cool: watching my colleagues stroll along the French Quarter, checking out bands and taking specialty shots. Nothing was done in bad taste and, trust me, the opportunity was there. That says something about the integrity of my team and it makes me proud to be a part of them. Today has been intense as usual, but we wrapped up the meeting portion of the day by 1pm. Afterwards, we went on a streetcar tour of the city. I learned a few New Orleans tidbits and managed to catch a few Zs in the back of the car. The dayum tour was over 2 hours long, so you know I had to put on my MP3 player and catch an extended blink ;) We concluded the tour @ Mother's restaurant. I haven't had food THAT good in years. Catfish, gumbo, jambalaya, etoufee, oysters, chicken, bread pudding, etc...It was not a game! I ate in moderation (i.e., one plate) and still got stuffed. That's why I'm sitting in my hotel room right now, trying to take it easy before our reception this evening. I'm going to try and hit the stores and the base of the hotel for about 30-45 minutes as well. I've been thinking about last night all day. Shortly after leaving my audioblog, I began walking back towards my hotel while talking to Simone on my cellphone. Why is it that she can get pissed (again) about something and I don't even know what it is??? Fave: What's with the attitude? Simone: You don't know? Fave: No, I really don't. Simone: Then ain't no point in saying anything then... Uh, that's a GREAT POINT to say something! Apparently, she was mad because I didn't call her back the night before I flew out. I called her from the plane and she sounded fine, so why do you have an attitude later that nite? I don't get it. I called from the plane, the cab, the hotel, left the hotel number, kept the phone on my person the whole time. But I DID tell her that I would call her back later that nite; I made a conscious decision (based on her indifferent tone that nite) to not call back and possibly irritate her. I then opted to just go to sleep @ my parent's place and wake up early in order to get ready to fly out. THAT was my contribution of disrespect, I told her I would call and I didn't. This faux pas undermines every positive thing I've done. Go figure. This conversation goes from the streets of the French Quarter to the hotel lobby to (finally) my room. While en route, my cell phone lost its signal...like cell phones often like to do. I immediately call her back. No answer. Call her again. No answer. Left a message. Called again. No answer. Called one more time. She picks up. Fave: Sorry, my pho... Simone: It's "amazing" how your phone always seems to go out when I'm saying something you don't wanna hear. Fave: No, it really did go out of range, Simone. That's why I called back. I called back a few times. I even left you a message. Simone: (sighs) Whatever. Fave: (getting frustrated) Why would I keep calling you back if I hung up on YOU??? Simone: I just find it pretty amazing... What started as an issue about proper phone etiquette turned into a "diggin' in the crates" for hurtful shyt to say. The most recent gripe? The fact that I spoke with Toya this past weekend over the phone while I was in Atlanta. That was brought up as a serious negative. Keep in mind, I haven't talked to Toya since November-- however, she still keeps in contact with her ex-husband as well as another platonic friend that she once messed around with just last year. These individuals are within a 15-20 minute drive to her locale; however, Toya (and any other random woman she chooses to throw in my face) is a day road trip, if not, a plane ride away. Most importantly, I DON'T WANT THEM and I've made that very clear. Meanwhile, she vows to cut ties with her past, only to inform me of conversations they have a week later. I dunno. That's the least of my worries. She tries to make that some big deal, but I don't see a point in it. I am faithful to her. I love her. I express it more than the average man. More than the ABOVE average man. I'm not perfect, but dammit...I didn't deserve being scolded for that. Simone: But you shouldn't have even spoke to her. Fave: Why not? What's wrong with being polite? Simone: She posted foul shyt about you AND me on her blog and you wanna be polite? Fave: Why should I be an ass? Simone: (ranting) You're the "emotional basket-case with the bitchy ex-girlfriend." Apparently the aforementioned was a line from Toya's blog. Whatever. Fave: Well, I apologize. Okay? I made a mistake. Simone: You made a mistake when you screwed her. *breaks pump* Now, let's keep in mind that while I was in B'more with Toya- Simone was in a hotel room in Indiana with another man getting served. Under normal circumstances, one foul action cancels out the other. There is no room for her to judge. But she does. The theme of the conversation was respect, or lack thereof. How can you demand respect from someone when you blatantly have no respect nor regards for the feelings of the person with whom you demand the respect? "You better respect me, but here- lemme slam this dagger through your sternum and twist it." That's how I felt and, despite the day I've had in New Orleans, that's how I've felt all day. The sky is grey and it's darkening the river outside my window. Now that I'm away from my colleagues and "team-building" I can let my real feelings loose on this here blog ;) I wish I could fully enjoy these trips, my career and this new, positive lifestyle. I HATE when she chooses to communicate with sarcasm, cynicism and lack of couth...but, she doesn't raise her voice and that makes it all good. I'm not hurt. I'm beyond that phase. I'm not pissed. That won't do me any good. All I want to do is love her and understand how to do it more effectively. I'm sad. My soul reflects the gim visions of muddy waters and the grimey ships that float above them. Melancholy. Dark. Dismal. Painful. I wish I could find a jazz funeral to cheer me up.

the energy (live from the french quarter)

2005-03-01T23:37:00.000-06:00

Okay, I know you can probably barely hear me on this one, but it's more about capturing the energy...

fave presents the gulley glossary of terms

2005-02-28T15:37:00.000-06:00

Ms.Blaize was very gracious in her disclosure of "words women use," that I thought it'd be only rite that I share a taste of information with the fairer sex out here in Blogland. Fellas, I'm not selling out our secrets (and believe it or not, they know more than they're letting on anyway) - I'm just balancing the spectrum of knowledge. I doubt anything I write will be a major breakthrough in male-female interpersonal communication, but it should bring some insight- if not, just a chuckle or two: The Gulley Glossary of Terms: HUH? Okay ladies, if you hear this come out of our mouths immediately after your question or statement...clearly we are lying about something or don't want to address what you're saying. See example below: Lady: Where'd you go last nite? Man: Huh? *insert argument here* YEAH, OKAY... This means we are not listening to you; however, we noticed the pause in your sentence and knew to fill it with a feedback response- to give the illusion that we're listening. A common solution to this is just change the subject to something worth talking about. BUT I'M SAYING... We ain't saying nothing. That is our "time procurement phrase" that gives us an opportunity to create the elaborate story you're about to hear. I LOVE YOU We wanna have sex. I MISS YOU We wanna have sex. YOU ARE SO PRETTY/FINE/SEXY/CUTE We wanna have sex. IT'S MY TREAT :) We wanna have sex. ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT? We wanna have sex. SHOE SHOPPING? I'M DOWN! We wanna have sex. HALLE'S OKAY, BUT SHE AIN'T GOT NUTTIN' ON U, BABY. We wanna have sex. LEMME COOK U BREAKFAST. We wanna have sex...twice.

my inaugural baker's dozen: pleasant 2 pissed

2005-02-27T00:50:00.000-06:00

The baker's dozen is a novel idea- so it was only a matter of time that I took my hand @ composing a blogworthy "b12" as only I could do it: #1 I drove my SUV for the first time in over 3 months. I forgot how empowering it feels to drive a truck as opposed to a car. Even though it was only for about 20 minutes, I realized how much I missed my personal vehicle of 6 years. #2 Came home from work on Friday to an empty apartment :( and decided to do something other than take a cucumber-melon bath and sulk over Simone's absence. I had been invited to hang out with EJ and Saga and, after a little convincing, decided to head up to the ATL. I figured, "What da hell? I'm not doing anything." #3 While en route to Atlanta, Simone calls me on the cell and I inform her of my spontaneous road trip. As I prepared to chat with my baby as I drove, her disposition instaneously went from pleasant 2 pissed. I was accused of planning this excursion and withholding it from her - rather than just accepting the fact that it was a spontaneous decision. The short version: I am labeled "untrustworthy" and my boyfriend-lover-companion services are no longer required. It hasn't sunk in that my entire future vision and personal goals are now flushed down the toilet (but it will later). #4 I finally get to see, firsthand, the luxurious-pimped out abode of EJ Flavors. Everything from the theater room to the wet bar was off the chain. I want to have a phat crib like that when I grow up! The 3 of us (EJ, Saga and I) sat in the theater room listening to the incredible archives of music EJ has on his computer server. It evolved into an intense game of "I Betchu Don't Got..." in which EJ rose to the occasion every time with every song I've ever listened to from toddler to college student. He even found this obscure Marvin Gaye joint I had heard on Baby Boy. #5 Had breakfast alone @ Ria's Bluebird Diner. I sat there and sketched out an idea for a new painting while savoring my short stack of pancakes with caramelized bananas (it is the jump off, for real!). This is when the reality of losing Simone hit me and the devastation was setting in. #6 I tried audioblogging for the first time. I thought it was going to be more complicated, but it's simply setting up the account and calling a number. I just spoke what I was feeling (much like how I write) and did a follow up audioblog while I paced around Tower Records. #7 Did some clothes shopping with EJ and Karsh @ K&G Fashions. I needed some business casual gear for the low as I prepare for my trip to New Orleans. I picked up a nice pinstriped IZOD button up, a Sean John muscle shirt and a burgundy Liz Clairborne shirt. I spent less than $60 for all three (3) pieces. #8 I cannot forget the people-watching experience @ the Waffle House. We all know that the WF is a hilarious place overall; but it increases its level of crunkness when you visit one that is located in the 'hood after 2am. The highlight of the nite was this lady with a "jumbotron belt buckle." It literally had a LED screen with words scrolling across in red letters. I don't know what it said because her stomach was in the way. She was a piping hot mess! #9 Broke down in the car while driving home. It wasn't tears-inflicted, but I could actually feel my heart breaking. I didn't even have the luxury of guilt to validate my feeling of failure. I mean, I just went to see my friends. Friends that Simone know about and they know about her. Friends that know how much I love her and miss her. I didn't do anything that I couldn't have done with her. In fact, I was thinking about how it would be cool to take a trip up to the ATL the next time Simone came to town. I guess the most terrifying aspect of this whole deal is that, whenever she feels she's "done" with me- it results in less-than palatable relations with someone else. I'm picturing her giving herself to another person or simply in the arms of someone who is not me. Just as I'm about to pull over and gather my thoughts, my best friend of 20 years- Jay Queezy- calls me as he's driving back to Charlotte. We talked the remainder of my trip: I guess that was GOD's way of sending the only best friend I have (next to Simone) to keep my sanity while I shared the road with motorists who aren't going through the turmoil I'm going through. #10 Finally acquired iTunes after weeks of reluctancy. I can't front, I should have downloaded this a long time ago. This acquistion means the conclusion of my six (6) year relationship with MusicMatch...that's big. #11 It's Saturday nite and I'm sitting in front of my desktop listening to Marvin and rearranging my music files. Simone calls me on my cell, but I have little (and sometimes, no) reception inside my apartment. The signal isn't strong enough for me to answer. I emailed her, asking her to call me on my landline. An hour later, I'm still watiting. Now, I'm listening to "Beautiful Ones" by Mary J. Blige. I had fun shopping and clowning in the "A" but nothing took my mind off of her. I. miss.her. I.love.her.so.dayum.much. Where did I do wrong? #12 I purchased a new microphone so I can flush out these ideas for the two (2) songs I'm writing for two (2) separate individuals. Clearly, this tidbit was my pathetic reach to have 12 things listed! Oh well, I reached my quota :P Until next time...

life is funny like that

2005-02-26T12:11:00.000-06:00

the lost throwbacks

2005-02-25T11:29:00.000-06:00

Before there was Fave, I actually had a blog that I started back in 2003. For some reason, when I deleted it, the identity was erased but the posts are still out there in cyberspace...go figure. Anyway, I came across a post I had written last July and totally depicts how I'm feeling right now: "I Miss Her" I miss her. It's a new level of yearning where I sit quietly in the basement. So quiet that you can hear the second hand on the wall mounted clock tick the seconds away. Counting the minutes, hours and days I have been away from her. I mean, I really really really miss her. My chest is compressed like I'm holding on to my last breath underneath a deep blue sea of loneliness- I must confess that I miss her. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss the way her lips curl when she smirks at me. I miss her kiss-laden greetings at the airport. I miss rubbing her feet with cucumber-melon skin lotion. I miss reading to her. I miss crying on her shoulder and still feeling like a man. I miss her crying on my shoulder and still feeling like a man. I miss spooning with her in bed into the wee hours of the night. I miss aruging about where we're going to eat. I miss inhaling her scent as if she was my oxygen. Dayum, I miss her. I don't know how much longer I can last before I'm at the airline ticket counter. Before I explode with the exclusive desire to be with her. Only her. Always her. Undeniably her. Inexplicably her. Forever her. Til death do us part her.I miss her. The life of Fave wasn't always the way it is now. You can read the grimey moments here.

whataday

2005-02-24T14:26:00.000-06:00

It all started back in Spring 2003. I was on a poetry nite excursion to Tallahassee with some fellow poets and musicians and we crossed the state line from Georgia to Florida. I was the newbie of the squad, who had never journeyed to Florida via automobile. There were five (5) of us in a minivan, and we were hella hungry. We had also just finished watching The Story of Ricky on the driver's DVD player, so we were more than ready to escape the vehicular captivity that subjected us to cruel and usual punishment via Cantonese cinema. We finally got off the balmy backroads of Northern Florida and I saw bright lights of refreshment. It wasn't the golden arches or the wannabe "king." The colonel was nowhere in sight. What I did see set the tone for all future trips to the Sunshine State (which incidentally, it always RAINS whenever I come to Florida!)...WHATABURGER. Granted, this is your typical burger joint with the oversized bun and chocolate shakes thicker than a Luke dancer's ass. But the overall initial experience was so cool that I automatically associate this place with good times and food that would make my trainer hella pissed if he knew I was eating it. So what does this have to do with the price of a BJ in the Red Lite District? After my 6am presentation, there was breakfast being served: Whataburger Biscuit Sandwiches. I took one for the road as I drove to Pensacola with my morning conference call in my earpiece. It was sooo good. When I arrived @ my destination, I set up and I've been thinking about that place (which I only see in FL and I hear they started in Texas) because I passed @ least 4-5 of them on my route. Lunchtime came and I took a break from my workload and phone calls. The mission: find a WHATABURGER. Luckily, there was one about 4 blocks away. I just came in from lunch and my stomach is in love with me. Meanwhile, my arms, chest, legs, shoulders and back are pissed because they know I'm going to push to drive home tonite in time to go to the gym and burn the excess calories I inhaled today. I don't care. It was good. Real.damn.good. Okay, it sounds like I'm talking about sex (lol). Today is my father's birthday. I called him earlier and I got his voicemail. Hopefully, I will be able to catch up with him while I'm driving back home. My father has always been there for me and my mother and I know it's a blessing to have my biological father be "the father" in my life. I hope to be as impactful to my children as he has been to me. The only thing I don't wish to pass on to my son is my father's inheirited scraggily-ass beard! Okay, I got one last presentation and I'm outta here! The weekend is calling my name and I plan to multitask as usual. Thanks to the inspiration of Saga and EJ, I'm in the process of revamping my blog and overall web presence. Be on the lookout for the evolution of my blog appropriately entitled FaveNite. I'll be working on this periodically as a hobby, in addition to restoring my piano, painting and (of course) music. Next week...New Orleans for my region meeting: I know I'm going to have some funny stories to tell of drunk co-workers and alcohol-induced corporate behaviors that will make the HR guys and gals blush and the legal team hella nervous. Of course, I'll just be a spectator/reporter. I know better than to "dip my pen in the company ink." Until next time...

as the magic shave burns

2005-02-23T10:58:00.000-06:00

As I sit here, letting the magic shave settle underneath my chin, I'm reflecting on everything going on in my life in order to put things in proper perspective. I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what, I have a responsibility to myself to handle my business. I've had everything happen from my mom's bugging out (because I'm not a 29-year old mama's boy) to Simone being sick. In the interim, I'm chillin' in the spot below for tonite: The hotel is right on the Gulf of Mexico, but it's a weekday and nothing is poppin' off. Even if it was, I gotta be in front of people @ 6am; which means I have to get up by 4am if I want to stay on top of the game. *sigh* At least the rain stopped...until next time.

grown folks business

2005-02-21T13:58:00.000-06:00

I'm preparing for another week of travelling, presentations and XM radio programming while barrelling down the highway. Simone is sick with the flu and I wish I could be there with her to rub her back, make her my homemade chicken noodle soup and make sure she's taking her medicine. Since I can't be there, I've been making provisioning throughout my day to contact her every couple of hours to get an update and render some kind words. GOD has a way of getting us because we were arguing yesterday (over something stupid) and hearing her voice this morning put everything in perspective. At that point, I didn't care about the argument or how she irritated me last nite. I just want her better. I. love. her. Overall the weekend was peculiar. It all started on Friday afternoon, when I bought an upright piano I had been looking at for over two (2) months. Despite the tag on it that said "SOLD," I managed to work a deal with the manager and override the previous offer. This 50+ year old upright needs tuning and I plan to do some woodwork (i.e., sanding, resurfacing, etc.) but it is in fair condition and I snagged it for a cool one-hundred dollars. They (the thrift store) just don't know what they've given up, but that's not my problem. Owning an acoustic piano has been my dream since college and this weekend, I made it a reality. Saturday was the day of good intentions, but I didn't do anything I had planned for that day. I got up early, expecting to clean and run errands. I wound up IMing EJ most of the day and talking on the phone with a friend of Saga who manages producers in NYC. He had heard some of my music and I heard some of his tracks, so we agreed to talk and possibly work out a deal where I can sell some of my songs as well as work on new ones. Nevetheless, it could prove to be a very lucrative sideline occupation for an everchanging economy. I guess my days of writing music aren't over afterall ;) Yesterday was more productive. Laundry. Shopping. I even managed to stop by the gym while my clothes dried. On the way home, I rented "SAW" and picked up some meat for my "solo barbecue." I proceeded to fire up the grill and saturate the apartment building with the aroma of charcoal and spices from my balcony. This is where the multitasking came in. I was grilling, putting away clothes, preparing the meat and watching "She Hate Me" again. When the food was done (I grilled chicken breasts, turkey sausage and baby back ribs), I sat down and had a chicken breast with some green beans and Peach tea. This meal was followed by a dress shirt ironing marathon (I know I could put them in the cleaners, but I need something to do!) during a private screening of "SAW." The movie was crazy and, even though I'm not a fan of horror flicks, this one had me into it for real! I managed to finish ironing my shirts, jeans and slacks PLUS put a good military polish on two pairs of dress shoes while watching the twisted cinematic art on DVD. I had to push PAUSE a couple of times due to Simone's phone calls, but I didn't mind. I say all this to say that I'm ready for the week. Even though I got hit with everything but the kitchen sink...CAN'T NOBODY HOLD ME DOWN. Lemme go do this presentation...peace.

thought provoking questions

2005-02-19T20:44:00.000-06:00

These were some serious cranium crackers. I'll do my best: EJFlavors asked: How would life be, if for whatever reason, you and Simone would continue this long-distance relationship for the next 5 years - until 2010? Life would be extremely frustrating because I am already frustrated with the proximity hinderance cloud that looms over our relationship. I see myself knowing airport attendants on a first name basis due to my frequent visits to pick Simone up. I honestly do not know where my head would be because I have no real social life outside of her- so to imagine a life where my general locale was still boring and mundane like it is now (because of her absence) is a big stretch. Did I answer that one okay??? If your supervisor allowed you the budget to interact with Geraldine and fulfill her wishes, would you do it? Why or why not? At this point I don't know because I haven't gotten a full grasp of the effectiveness of her publication. She IS a successful businesswoman in her community, so she must have done something right. Despite the HORRIBLE first impression that she gave me, I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and work with her to see if we can create a win-win situation between our companies while re-caliberating our repore from ghetto to professional. List 5 songs that symbolize your life, right this minute. Live it Up by John Legend Closer by Goapele Come With Me by P.Diddy Speechless by Beyonce Ne Ne by Soulive Ms.Blaize asked: Have you ever walked out of Walmart with JUST what you intended to buy and nothing else? Yes. Only because I was on my way to a wedding in which I was the musician. What 3 things would you make sure that you told your son and daughter about love? All forms of real love comes from GOD. Love is something you must have for yourself before you can give it to anyone else. Love is a decision, not a feeling. Ever use a Yamaha Motif? Love it or hate it? Used it once. It was cool, but I didn't really have enough time to have FUN with it. I'll still with my Roland XP-80 and the Korg Triton. Diggem inquired: Explain your feelings and maybe the issues regarding being a great distance from your son. I miss my son tremendously; he has been a part of my life for as long as I've been an adult. I don't trip on the distance too much because we did live together during the first 3 years of his life- therefore, establishing that bond. He knows who I am and the role I play in his life and he has no problems calling me if he needs something*wants something*just wants to talk. His mother and I have a functional friendship (think JC and his son's mom in New York Undercover), so there's no drama there. The distance isn't as bad now because I know I have the means to get to him anytime I want, taking into consideration my work and his school schedule. We spend the entire the summer together as well as breaks (i.e., holidays, spring break, etc.) and, with spring break around the corner, my little man will be driving me crazy in no time. When are u and Simone gonna stop playing and hop the broom? OK, I'm just kidding. What is it about Simone that separates her from every other woman that u've dated? Why is she the ONE? Wow, that was loaded, hunh.... Yes, that was hella loaded (lol). Simone represents the essence of love: both the feeling and the decision. I've dated my fair share of women *clears throat* and I'd feel safe in saying that 95% of them were sweet, intelligent young ladies. On the flipside, only about 8% of them really challenged me or saw beyond my talents or social status. Simone was there when I could only play the piano with one hand. She talked to me all night when I worked third shift, cleaning toilets and kitchens in a nursing home. Simone has been my friend for years way before we crossed the line. Back in '98, I remember trying to downplay our friendship because I was catching feelings for her. To sum it up, "Simone inspires me to be the man GOD wants me to be: a leader, a man of integrity and strength." Even though she can be overbearing @ times, I think that in a lifelong situation, she would be the best helpmate for me. No one woman has demonstrated that we could grow together in a relationship. That's how I FEEL. As for the ones that came close (e.g., my ex-fiancee), I just don't feel we were the perfect fit or vice-versa. This is why loving Simone is a decision. I could find someone else and live a good, normal life...but would it be the best life possible? Will I have reached my full potential? I've made a DECISION to maximize my life by choosing Simone as the woman in which I want to give my all. Top 5 songs that have to be played at your wedding's reception. Always by Stevie Wonder September by Earth, Wind and Fire Still in Love With You by Brian McKnight He Loves Me by Jill Scott I'll Show You by Boyz II Men Rhapsodi wanted to know: How much longer are you and Simone going to live apart? That is TOTALLY up to her. I'm ready for her to relocate, but she has a plethora of issues that must be resolved before that happens. Maybe 6 months? A year? I don't see it going longer than 18 months. Where do you see yourself career-wise in the next 10 years? 10 years from now I see myself being a top executive in my current company (Lord willing) as a leader in national marketing for one particular company product. This position would allow me to mold the type of messages that go out to the public; particularly the African-American community. In addition to becoming a strong, creative force in Corporate America, I see myself having a secondary residual income derived from the sideline work I've done in the music industry over the past 15 years. I will be the industry's best kept secret because I chose to remain humble and in the obscurity of corporate structure while still maintaining a creative outlet. Name one ex-flame that taught you the most about yourself, and describe what they taught you. Not to sound corny, but Simone taught me the most about myself...but she's not an ex-flame. The next person to teach me a lot about myself would be "Monique." She taught me that being expressive and romantic is not the ONLY dimension of a relationship. I was always trying to be Marcus Graham (from the Boomerang movie) instead of being a friend. I was one-dimensional and by being romantic, funny, serious as well as senstive and caring - she taught me how encompassing all those attributes would make me a better partner...for the next woman. Shaunte amused me with: Past or present name one artist whose art comes closes to reflecting your spirit? Why? Donny Hathaway was soulful, talented and broken. Although I have enough self-love not to leap from a building and plummet to my death, I truly understand how pain can become so enormous that it (leaving this earth) seems like the only option. But it's not. Have you ever experienced a broken heart? If so what did you do to overcome the hurt? Hell yeah. More times than I care to admit. I'm not perfect; however, I argue that, for everytime I broke someone's heart, my own heart has been broken 3-4 times. Ironically, by the same person....over and over again. If you could (only) teach your children one thing, what would it be? Love yourself, because there's a world out there waiting to destroy you.

lighten up already

2005-02-18T11:20:00.000-06:00

I've decided to join Diggem in the 3 question game. Anything that anyone wants to know about Fave is fair game. There's a lot more to me than just how much I love Simone ;) If I only a handful of questions, I'm deleting this post with the quickness. So leave your questions in the comments of this post and my next post will answer your querries.

my own

2005-02-18T10:16:00.000-06:00

Told ya I was coming back... I represent a major company that was built on personal integrity and, when you couple that with being a black man, I have an even greater responsibility to represent myself, my family, my ethinicity and my company. I feel I do a pretty good job of balancing my corporate lifestyle with my own brand of enthno-urban creativity; yet, I know each facet has its place in my life. I was referred, by one of my white colleagues, to a certain publication that targets the women of color (of course, I won't be saying any names). My understanding was to simply introduce myself to the CEO of this publication and do a little information gathering for the purpose of sponsoring one of their upcoming events. Being a black executive who is also in charge of the area where this publication is circulated, it made sense for me to check it out and give just cause why (or why not) we should invest in excess of $20K to this publication. I called the company and was initially given the runaround. I was actually hung up on twice when I asked to speak with the CEO, Geraldine. I couldn't even get a voicemail. I was on my cell and travelling @ the time, so I moved on to other things. I tried again when I got in the office. This time, I said my name and the company I represented...I was connected immediately to the CEO. This is where it gets interesting. Upon "hello," Geraldine sounded older, professional with a little boisterous edge about herself. You could tell she was a true saleswoman. She reminded me of one of my former bosses when I worked in radio. Anyway, she was very well-spoken for about 2 or 3 sentences until she determined, from the bass and tonality of my voice, that I was black: Geraldine: SO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR YOUR COMPANY TO GET ON BOARD WITH THIS PROMOTION. Fave: It sounds like it could make sense for our consumer base and... Geraldine: IT DOES MAKE SENSE AND YOU KNOW HOW Y'ALL DON'T REALLY SPEAK TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. I KNOW Y'ALL GOT DA MONEY. Got da money??? Fave: Ma'am, I'm not at liberty right now to get into our budget structure, I was merely trying to understand the cost, exposure and value of your promotion. Geraldine: IT IS VERY VALUABLE. OVER $200,000 IN EXPOSURE FOR $25,000. YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT! AND I EVEN WENT TO ONE OF YOUR VENDORS AND SECURED A DEAL WITH THEM. BUT YOU GOTTA BE ON BOARD AND FIND THE MONEY SOMEHOW. I'M COUNTING ON YOU. How the **** are you counting on me and this is our first conversation? Fave: Well, what I think are the next steps for me is to communicate the information you've shared with my boss- along with the proposal I already have- and determine where possible dollars can be allocated towards supporting this promotion while connecting with a very important consumer base. That's right, I kept it very professional. It was overkill, but whatever. I was agitated @ this point. Geraldine: WELL, YOU DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO. WE GOTTA LOOK OUT FOR OUR PEOPLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING??? LEMME GIVE YOU MY CELL NUMBER... The conversation concluded and it left me feeling hella awkward. Why, in business, when we discover that the person we're interacting with is black, we find it permissable to be "less professional" as it compares to when we interact with white people? If I were white, I'm sure I would have not have gotten the Nicky Parker version of this woman's persona. What bothered me the most is that she is not my peer...this was an older woman (late 40s/early 50s) talking to me like we on grandma's stoop sipping sweet tea out of a mayonaisse jar. It didn't piss me off, it made me sad. Why do we do that to one another? One could argue that she just felt comfortable talking to someone who shares a common interest....wtfever...she became extremely loud and unprofessional once she found out I was black. That is what incensed me the most. I've been in and out of the corporate game for over 8 years now. I've interacted with businesspeople from all over the world, not just black and white. My most discouraging and unorganized business experiences have been with people of my own race. Why is that? In all fairness, I've dealt with grimy and ghetto businesspeople from all backgrounds, but I'm talking about the vast majority have been my own people. Why? I'm actually looking for feedback on this one. Am I being too critical or what???

beyond simone

2005-02-18T09:26:00.000-06:00

Friday is shaping up to be less nerve-wrecking than usual. My weekly conference call, that normally runs a little under 2 hours, was only 30 minutes- and we actually covered a lot of ground. Since I'm not really used to starting my Friday until @ least 10 o'clock, I don't know how to act right now (which is probably why I'm blogging). Please believe I got TONS of work and follow up to do today, so the grind shall begin the moment I click "Publish Post." Overall the week was good. Valentine's Day with Simone was phenomenal. There was a little travel involved, but nothing like what I'm going to endure in the coming weeks. I totally conformed to the corporate image by reducing my hairstyle to a bald fade. It looks good, but I haven't had hair this short since 2002 (aka the pre-dread era). I just wanted to start anew and cutting my hair is always more about symbolically cleansing myself moreso than a fashion statement. It must be meant for me to stay involved with the music scene because my old partner in crime has requested me to write a song for his potentially new artist. Within 24 hours of that request, I was referred by another friend to do some writing/production work for hire. Okay, when am I going to have time to do this? Well, thank GOD I have a catalog of songs/music I can pull from and not start from scratch. Nevertheless, I feel stupid for all that "I'm no longer a musician " talk I was kicking earlier in the month. I think I'm going to read Celestine Prophecy again this weekend. I need a refresher course in order to understand the reasons behind the new people in my life and their interactions with me. I am contemplating a road trip to Georgia in order to record some new music, but right now I'm leaning more towards working out, doing laundry and getting some progress on my paintings. I'll be travelling via road trips and airplanes over the next couple of weeks, so I probably don't need to do any self-induced travel. I don't know yet. There's a lot going on in my life these days and I'm just trying to keep it all together. I had something really urk me yesterday and it opened my eyes to a much bigger issue that deserves it's own blog entry. Maybe I'll write about it during lunch...I've written enough for a Friday morning. Until next time...

simoneless nites

2005-02-17T08:03:00.000-06:00

803am. Today's presentation was @ 530am, but considering it was in my home office and no travel was involved - it wasn't so bad. Yesterday afternoon was hard for me as I sat in the airport with Simone, having lunch before her flight. At one point, her job was calling her on her cellphone and I was taking to three people (almost simultaneously) on mine regarding one of my projects. It was big indication of how we were transforming back into our individual lives as we sat together conversing on the phone with other people. As I paced around our table, I watched her talk with her hands as she gabbed away on her cell. I thought back to that nite in December '94 when she was a waitress and I was a struggling college sophomore. I was proud of how she stepped into GOD's blessings to become what she is today: a beautiful, smart black woman. Then I thought... Dayum she got a phat ass...(I know, I know...I'm human though) Simone has this conspiracy theory that, whenever we have a PDA-laden goodbye @ the airport, the female airline security people give her grief...I guess they're hating because she got a man and most of them look like low-budget extras in a lesbian prison movie. Anyway, she is very reluctant to say goodbye with a kiss and/or hug of any significance - especially within their view. Personally, I think Simone hates goodbyes (just like me) and tries to play the hardcore role in order to not appear emotional. Despite her paranoia, we kissed each other goodbye...several times...within sight of airport security. By the time I had walked to my car, she called me on my cell to say that there were no complications @ the security checkpoint. I stopped by my parents' house while Simone soared through the clouds en route to her home. The day/nite she leaves is always hard for me. I came home and my apartment still smelled like her. My usually healthy refridgerator, full of vegetables and nutrition shakes was invaded with a 1/2 empty jug of red Hawaiian Punch and leftover macaroni and cheese. There was the chocolate cake we made on my countertop and chocolate ice cream in my freezer. My bed was un-made and tussled, as if two people had been laying in it instead of one. My bathroom floor had miscellaneous hair pins scattered. She had left her mark. Last nite was so hard for me because I couldn't sleep even though I had to be up early. By the time I finally got in bed, Simone called me. We didn't talk long; but I hope she understands that I had to get some rest. I tossed and turned for hours reaching out to an empty side of the bed. Her super-warm skin was absent. Her beautiful face against my chest...absent. Her round hips underneath my arm...absent. Her microbraids brushing against my face...absent. My Simone was absent last nite.

joy comes

2005-02-16T08:34:00.000-06:00

It's 834am and my day is actually half-over. I had a presentation @ 6am and it went extremely well. The vice-president was so impressed how I was so "well spoken" (translation: you talk pretty good, for a nigger). Honestly, I don't care whether is was sincere or not, I know I handled my business and I thank GOD because it was not of me that I was successful. Simone goes back today. As I type these words, she's a mere 10 feet away from me, sleeping like there's no tomorrow. I hate days like this; the day when she has to return to her world- thus, leaving a huge void in mine. We had an excellent Valentine's Day filled with thoughtful gifts, lobster and scrimps (lol). We shared an rain-drizzled evening alone and just let the descending water become the backdrop/soundtrack to our love. I don't know what it is about this woman that has me so "sprung" @ times- but a brother isn't p-whipped, just convinced that I need/want to give her my best. I gotta keep it real...we argued for a moment in time. That's going to happen and quite honestly, it happens quite a bit with us. The key element is that we never STAY angry and we RESOLVE the conflict with laughter or sometimes a kiss. I don't like writing about drama, which is why I usually don't get into our tifts; but they do exist. We are human...not some super couple. And for those who offered to be a listening ear, I appreciate it. However, I believe in channelling my energy and thoughts to Simone. Even when I don't want to and it seems like she's the last person I want to talk to...she is my girlfriend. She is everything I've ever wanted in a woman and I have to hold true to the promise I made and just reach out to her. If she isn't there for me, I'm just ass out- but I've demonstrated my committment to our exclusivity. Furthermore, I don't even have anyone's phone number to call any of my fellow-bloggers...so how you gon' comment about calling y'all? Don't get a brother hemmed up. I appreciate the sentiment, I really do...but it's best I keep things between me and her. She'll let me cry (sometimes). Okay, there's about 3 hours left 'til checkout time so I'm going to steal an hour and rest in Simone's arms. Until next time...

headache

2005-02-15T15:22:00.000-06:00

I rarely get headaches; but when I do, they are no joke. I walked out of the house this morning without my eyeglasses, so it serves me right to experience cranial discomfort. I won't complain because it is truly my fault. It's an absolutely beautiful day in the dirty south: the sun is playing hide & seek with the clouds, the temperature is mild enough to stroll jacket-less while the breeze keeps you from sweating. The only thing enjoying that breeze right now is the blades of grass outside my window. I'm trying my best to be productive, but I got so much on my mind that it's almost unbearable. The key word is almost. I rearranged my workspace, cleaned off some areas, etc. but my mind is still going 6000 miles per second. I'm thinking about my job, my health, my family, Simone, my blog, my friends, her friends. Right now, I don't feel like I have a grip on any of them. Although there is no havoc or grief surrounding me, I don't see myself as truly being in control in any facet of my life right now. It is a feeling moreso than a fact of life. Detached is the word that best describes my disposition. How can I reconnect? Prayer...and getting the hell outta here.

i'm not sure what 2 write

2005-02-15T08:53:00.000-06:00

Because I'm not sure what to feel. What I'm permitted to feel. Right now, I feel like deleting this entire blog. Everything I've ever written (including this post) have been my true feelings and affirmations- but maybe, in an attempt to give positive energy to the goals I want in life, it became fictional because I never fueled the unpleasantries that I thought existed pretty well without my assistance. But I'm not deleting anything; that would be too emotional and I'm learning to curb my emotional reactions. Controlling them makes me a better person. Hell, if I did anything birthed out of emotion, my sexual orientation would be questioned in addition to my masculinity. No diss to those who venture to the other side, but I am far from homosexual- yet it's something I sometimes have to prove to the very person who's with me. I just say no to down-low. I love women too much. I love her too...well, we already know the deal on that. *sigh* I'm not sure what to write because I'm not sure what to feel. I'm expected to have this attitude or this negative disposition. I'm expected to be angry, emotional and maybe even a little belligerent. I am none of these things-- but I still don't know how to accurately describe what I AM feeling. Maybe I just need to go to work. Maybe I need to delete this post, this blog, this everything. I probably just need some a$$...right? Sex is always the great equalizer of emotions. But that's only when you allow the physical to override the emotional like some subliminal endorphin to your subconscious angst. *laugh*I'm cool. To be honest, it's the inability to label how I feel that's giving me the most grief. I know how it feels to have people expect the worst of me- that doesn't mean I have to give it to them...even if the person, who has the negative expectation, is someone close to me. If I were to give in to the negative energy, it would throw everything off. So here's my affirmation(s) for the day: Everything I've ever written on here has been MY feelings. I am not a news reporter and this is not an objective blog. It is very much so SUBJECTIVE...meaning it is subject to my feelings and if I want to give energy to the great things I want out of life, I'll do it. I've never seen a successful person become successful by rehashing the bullshyt in their life. If that's fiction, well then maybe I should write a book ;) That's what's wrong with society now. Everytime a brother shows emotions other than macchismo or anger or dominance- he becomes a candidate for gay scrutinity. I'm so sick of that shyt. I am very much so heterosexual. That's what this world wants us (black people) to do to our men. Make them so homophobic that they're afraid to show tears, be upset or express themselves. The end result: high blood pressure, heart disease, migraine headaches from holding in all that bullshyt in order to give the "appearance" that they are a man...that sounds more like a corpse waiting to happen. At this moment, I am not crying. I'm not angry. I'm just @ an emotional quandry in how to proceed appropriately. Maybe venting is all I needed to do...the virtual cleansing that is blogging. It's not like I have anyone to go to when I feel like this and, truth be told, I never did. Even when there were woman lined up outside my door, I never had anyone who truly gave a damn. Nowadays, that's not my lifestyle- but I'm still held under scrutinity. I'm alone without her, so there's nowhere to go when her back is facing me. So I get dressed, I make some strong Cuban coffee, I straighten up the apt., I blog and I keep it moving. That's the LAST thing anyone expects of me.

saint valentine

2005-02-14T09:13:00.000-06:00

I borrowed this from X and I thought it was fitting 4 today, considering I don't have the energy or the time to blog anything substantial in my life. Oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day too... 1. What time did you get up this morning? 7am 2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, the hardest rock on earth. 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Ray 4. What is your favorite TV show? Chappelle Show 5. What did you have for breakfast? Multivitamin with a swig of Hawaiian Punch. 6. What is your middle name? Vaughn 7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian 8. What foods do you dislike? Chitlins and okra 9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Barbecue (aka Grippos) 10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Right now, I'm feeling Lovers' Interlude by Poetic Mindz...it's an indie thing, but it fits the romantic vibe of the day. 11. What kind of car do you drive? A charcoal grey '04 Bonneville 12. Favorite sandwich? Grilled Cheese 13. What characteristic do you despise? Close-minded-ness 14. Favorite item of clothing? Levi jeans and a pin-striped button up and Kangol hat. 15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Hong Kong. 16. What color is your bathroom? Blue. 17. Favorite brand of clothing? Ommy Illfiger 18. Where would you retire to? Florida 19. What was your most memorable birthday? My 26th birthday was also my engagement party. It was a catered event and all my "friends" were there. I was living in Atlanta @ the time and working in radio; so, I had TONS of friends. Most importantly, my best friend was there and my fiancee flew 3000 miles to be there. This was the last birthday I had before my life took a nose dive. Nevertheless, it was the most memorable, but not the best. 20. Favorite sport to watch? Football 21. What fabric detergent do you use? Gain Mountain Fresh 22. Coke or Pepsi? COKE ALL DAY LONG!!! 23. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Both 24. What is your shoe size? 13/14 in sneakers and dress shoes respectively 25. Do you have any pets? Used to, but not anymore. 26. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with your family & friends? Hell to the Naw 27. What did you want to be when you were little? A cartoonist. 28. What are you doing today? Working like it's any other day, taking Simone to dinner, etc. .29. If you could, what would you like to be doing now as far as a career? I'm doing exactly what I wanted to do as a career = marketing executive. It's actually a stressful profession, but it's more stable than being a working musician.

this time tomorrow

2005-02-10T23:05:00.000-06:00

I've spent the bulk of this week in planning meetings and conference calls...while my voicemail and email piled up with an astronomical amount of tasks- probably with deadlines of yesterday. I stayed in a nice hotel, but nothing beats your own bed. I was (and still am to some degree) stressed, frustrated and super-charged on energy drinks. I spent over 18 hours each day in dress shirts and slacks- smiling and pseudo-laughing @ my vice president's jokes and toasting success with Copolla Merlot. All the while I'm thinking that the weekend can't get here soon enough. *sigh* Well, I'm home now- scratching my head with an afro pick in my PJs while my newly acquired internal hard drive configures itself on my home PC. Tomorrow is Friday (thank GOD) and, although the worst is over, tomorrow will be an intense workday. My Fridays are usually like Mondays- the kind of Mondays that come after a holiday. But I'm ready for it; because this time tomorrow I will be @ home with Simone in my arms and a smile on my face. As much as I sometimes loathe the often merciless nature of corporate culture- I am extremely thankful of the resources it provides me in order to be a responsible father and a respectable businessman. I'm also thankful that it allows me to supplement my long distance relationship with periodic visits from the love of my life. When I feel Simone's soft skin next to mine, as I drift off to sleep with the TV flickering against my brow, it will make all that I'm going through...worth it. This time tomorrow, my paradise incarnate will be within my reach...

what the world needs now

2005-02-09T13:56:00.000-06:00

When I accepted my current position, the interviewers informed me of the plethora of perks that would come my way. They didn’t lie; my job gives me everything except a woman – buttnaked with an apron – cooking grits and scrambling eggs. What they DID do was refrain from full disclosure of the countless meetings, lasting 6-7 hours a pop. I’ve been sitting in this conference room since 645am. We take 10 minute breaks every 2 hours and we’ve already worked through lunch. This is how it goes down about every 6-8 weeks: I drive 350+ miles and sit in meetings that run from 7am to 5pm. Then everyone wants to go out afterwards for dinner. I love camaraderie as much as the next person, but dayum. Tonite, I feel like going to my room and working on my stuff for tomorrow. So what do you do when you’re bored out of your mind??? I’m daydreaming about this weekend. This weekend will be my reward for a hard workweek full of travel, meetings and hotel stays. I can endure this boring, corporate brainstorming sessions because, on Friday, I’ll be driving to the airport…waiting on Simone’s plane. I’m still hella pissed about the poetry book not showing up on time- but I’ve managed to coordinate a cornucopia of pleasantries for the love of my life: from breakfast in bed to cucumber-melon scented full body massages. There’s plenty of activities in between, but that’s TMI for the blog. Love makes you do some romantic, funny and sometimes freaky shyt. But I’m not a true “fan” of love. I’m not one of those cats that love the idea of being in love. I love being in love with Simone.

the special countdown

2005-02-07T16:16:00.000-06:00

I just got off of a conference call with my boss; nothing major, just our weekly recap of my existing projects. This type of communication is necessary when your boss' office is 400+ miles away. Sure, there's an open door policy, but make sure you gas up the ride before you head for it. I had lunch with a prominent, local radio executive and she picked up the check (dayum, I should have ordered more than a Grilled Chicken Caeser salad!). Most importantly, I had NO VOICEMAIL MESSAGES. Not bad for a Monday...not bad @ all. In approximately 4 days, 3 hours, 50 minutes and 45...46...47 seconds, I will be waiting for Simone @ the airport terminal. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and spending Valentine's Day in her arms. I got mad travelling to do this week, but I plan to really focus and be hella productive in order to reward myself with a stress-free weekend with the woman of my dreams. You would think I had learned my lesson, from this past Christmas, not to trust my "coup de gras" holiday present to the competency (or lack thereof) of out-of-state suppliers. This time, I got a feeling that Simone's Valentine's Day gift is going to arrive late. It's my fault because I couldn't just go out and get something from a brick and mortar store. I wanted to be original and I wanted it to be a surprise. Now that the timing is all jacked up, it doesn't really matter AND I have to hit a local store to have something in hand when I arrive @ the airport on Friday. Hopefully, my "coup de gras" gift will arrive before Simone leaves, but it definitely won't be here on o2.14.03... So what da hell did I get for her??? I took every poem I had ever written about her, as well as two songs, and catalogued them. It came out to about 30 poems or so...roughly 65-66 pages of poetic verses. I formatted them into a book of poetry and had them published through Instant Publisher. I designed a cover, got the bar code, copyright, the whole nine. I only did a small run of 25 copies and I dedicated the book and the inspiration of the poems, to her. I placed the order about 2 weeks ago, with the production time being only 7-10 business days - I thought I was straight. For some reason, Instant Publisher is the only company, out of ALL the checks I sent out that week, that didn't recieve payment. Subsequently, they have not started production of the book until this week, which pushes my delivery date past the 14th. I'm pissed, but whatever. I know the book is coming and it will be something I can share with her as well as my family and friends who all know how much in love I am with this woman. The name of the book is Into Words: a poetic plethora...brought to you by FaveNite Publishing. In the interim, I have to find a Valentine's Day present that she can hold on Valentine's Day because Lord knows shes' coming down here with mad gifts for me. I know it's not about gift-giving, but I just want this upcoming visit to be hella special because she's hella special to me. I'm just counting down the days.

long distance

2005-02-06T20:58:00.000-06:00

I don’t wanna be alone Wish that you were @ my home If I could just take a plane I’d be right where you are I’d be on the very first flight Up above the city lights If it meant I’d see you smile I know I’d be alright ‘Cause I hate the way we are Loving you from afar Waiting for the morning you’re Laying right next to me I need you here with me Want you more than in my dreams ‘Cause I can’t enjoy your kisses Loving you long distance Why can’t we just be? It’s not like I’m away @ school It’s not like you can’t up and move Is it that you don’t think you’re ready Or do I have more to prove? Girl, I’m not just saying things And I know what this decision means I’ll go out and buy your ring I want to give you everything

insecticide

2005-02-04T10:13:00.000-06:00

I've come to the conclusion that I am severly bugged. Not in the CIA and FBI survellience kind of way; I'm talking about a straight, 1980s inspired colloquialism for losing my dayum mind. I don't know if it's the work stress, my long distance relationship or if I'm having an early mid-life crisis. The bottom line is this: I'm bugging out and something has to be done about it with the quickness. My mental insect infestation is not very visible to the human eye. I've been parading around the office and various marketplace locations with the much needed game-face. It's when I get home that I feel the attack. It hasn't been all bad, with working out @ the gym and relaxing afterwards @ home. My insomnia is working overtime. When I finally get to sleep, I'm dreaming about weddings, closing on a new home and funerals. I'm cooking dinner and making enough for two when there's just me. I miss Simone so much that I sleep on one side of the bed as if she's going to come in @ any moment. What the hell is wrong with me? I meet women everyday and my flirtatious personality doesn't even suit up, let alone get into the game. I'm trying to rearrange my budget to accomodate expenses incurred if Simone was to move down and have to start job hunting. I've been living on my own since I was 17. Twelve years later, that shyt is for the birds. I used to enjoy coming home to a house I've provided through the blessings of GOD. I basked in the serenity of singlehood. Things have changed. Let me go on record as saying "I hate my current lifestyle." I recognize the blessings: the new apartment, great career, etc.. but I hate sharing these blessings and successes with no one. How do I share them? In the form of timely child suport checks? How do I share my blessings? Wal*Mart shopping binges? When I have a phenomenal day @ work, who do I come home and share it with? As I pass by a florist on the way from the gym and I see a 19.99 bouquet sale, who can I stop and buy them for? Yes, I can (and have) sent Simone flowers via FTD.com, but I'm talking about walking in the door, getting a hug & kiss and handing the woman of your dreams a bouquet that is only half as beautiful as she. I want to be married, but I don't want to be like these women (and some men) who don't enjoy the relationship because they're rushing to the altar. I'm trying to enjoy my LD relationship, but I am so dayum lonely it's pathetic. I have more interests than the average man (i.e., music, painting, etc.) but it doesn't keep my mind totally occupied. My job fills most my mental space, but @ some point you have to let that go before you go crazy. I miss Simone. I miss her presence. Infidelity is not an option because that is a road that has taken me on some of the most horrible, hedonistic avenues and painful boulevards. I just want Simone. To be her husband. To father her children. To provide a plethora of necessities and luxuries to enjoy with our family...together. I'm not psycho in that, if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to show up @ her office in a SpongeBob raincoat, My Lil' Pony slippers and an axe. I would be devastated, but I'd still be alive. But the truth still remains that I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this woman. A life full of love, laughter and triumph over all of the world's obstacles. I feel as though I'm at the starting gate in the race of life, just revving up my engine...but the green light is taking forever to flash. I'm bugging out.

again 4 the first time

2005-02-03T01:17:00.000-06:00

Tonite I wrote and composed my first song in 2005. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. When I came in from work, a melody hit me as soon as I walked into the door. I sat down @ my keyboard and began working out the melodic line. Then the words came. I didn't want to use my muse visit as an excuse NOT to hit the gym, so I wrote the first verse and changed clothes to go take care of my body for the evening. I worked out, came home and completed my song. It feels good to know that I haven't lost it. I AM still a musician. I AM still creative outside of writing on this blog. I AM still "me." Wooohoo!

mesquite honey BBQ moose meat

2005-02-02T13:07:00.000-06:00

The title of this post was just an eye-catcher (it's the marketing in me) and has nothing to do with this post... The past few days have been raining and cold - the kind of days where you hate being out in the weather, but you would smile if you had someone @ home waiting to cuddle with you. I've been driving 80% of the week, but my day always concludes @ my place. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm lonely. I wouldn't admit that anywhere else but here, but I am extremely lonely. Do I just want company? Hell to the naw. I wish Simone was here with me; I wish she was the one waiting @ home for me when I arrived from these cold and dreary days. Instead, I'm headed to the gym (I'm serious about mine) @ night trying to stay focused on my physical goals. I ditched Montgomery; not because she wasn't good, but our schedules weren't working out @ all. She referred me to this cat named Rod and he has been helping me with a totally new workout routine. Instead of muscle groups, we're doing total upper and lower body workouts followed by cardio. It's no joke, but it will get me the results I'm looking for even faster. Last night, after spending about 3 hours in the car, I went to the gym and worked out for over a hour. Afterwards, I went to WM and purchased some bootleg Aleeve and Epsom salt because I know the soreness is on the way. Nevertheless, I'm glad I haven't lost the discipline ot stick to my plan. Simone is spending Valentine's Day with me. Because of her visit(s), I've put a television in the bedroom, hooked up the cable and installed a new DVD player. I've NEVER had a TV in my bedroom since I've been on my own, but I know how much she likes sleep and television - so I had to compromise. I'm also working on a Valentine's Day gift that will be unprecedented ;) I have to do something to keep my mind off the loneliness. In addition to work, I have been tickling the ivories for a few minutes each day this week. I admit that it felt good to play again...in the privacy of my own home. I'm even considering buying a used upright piano from the Goodwill and restoring it. As I stare out the window and look at the pouring rain and grey skies, I realize that I have about 3 more hours of driving to do today. *sigh* I'm not blogging about anything anyway, so let me get out of here and do some work. *I can't imagine living a day like today without someplace to go.*

the promise

2005-02-01T09:17:00.000-06:00

This past Christmas, I gave Simone a promise ring. I know that this type of jewelry symbolizes different things for different people, so I researched the history of the promise ring in order to broaden my perspective. I learned that a promise ring symbolizes a promise - the type of promises that are precursors to the ultimate promise to share your life with someone. So I wrote out what my specific promise(s) would be to Simone and I read them to her as I gave her the ring. I don't think that I'm the only man who thinks like this, so I thought I'd share the promise I made to her on my blog for two reasons: a) as a reminder of my promise to her on days when it can be challenging and b) to hopefully inspire someone else who may not be sure where to begin on this narrow road of monogamous relationships. "My Promise" I promise to be faithful. Every woman I’ve ever met, and will ever meet, mean nothing to me. I am committed to you and I promise to always acknowledge and respect that commitment with my faithfulness. All that I need in a woman, companion and friend – I have in you. I know I will be tried, but I will always pass the test because I know how far we’ve come, how much you’ve prayed and how much I’ve prayed. I promise to be faithful to you because I love you and only you. I promise to listen. This is something in which I need the most work.. I listen to you, but I promise to improve on hearing you. Sometimes, the answer to my problems or our argument, lies in the words I don’t hear because I’m not listening. I promise to always listen and improve on it everyday until you are comfortable sharing any and everything – knowing you have my attention, my ear and my heart. I promise to listen to you because that action is a strong element of the glue that keeps us together. I promise to love you. There’s never been a conviction as strong as the moment I realized I loved you. Loving you means being there and being a positive entity in your life. My love is a decision because it is the common denominator to any emotion I will ever feel towards you. I promise to love you always. I promise to laugh with you. Being romantic is cool—but laughter is what always seemed to get us through. Don’t worry, I’ll always be sweet and romantic—but I promise to keep you laughing. A laugh is just an active smile and your smile is the most wonderful smile I’ve ever seen. If I can contribute to the exposure of that smile and that laugh…I will. I promise to laugh with you because it joins “listening” as a key element of our staying together. I promise to be faithful, to love you, to listen and to laugh. Now it’s time to make these words come alive. Every time you look at that ring—don’t think about these words…use that ring as a reminder to “watch” what I’m doing. If you see the actions supporting thse words…smile, because you make it a pleasure to keep this promise. I will be the best boyfriend you will ever have, because I’m going to dedicate my life and my heart to keeping this promise until GOD tells me it’s time to replace that ring with something even more significant. That’s when the promise becomes a vow. Until then, I promise to be the best because you are that to me.

i could have stayed sleep

2005-02-01T05:52:00.000-06:00

It's 5:52am and I've been up for about two hours. Not by choice, but by sheer inconsideration. Why is it that, when my colleagues really need me for THEIR benefit, they will call my office, my cell and my home (I argue that they'd hit up my parents' house if they had the number) -- but when it's something that impacts ME, they will leave a VOICEMAIL on my work # and (subconsciously) hope I don't get it until it's too late. I've been in the game a little too long to fall for that one... For the past two weeks, I've been planning this trip to one of my territories per the instructions of my colleague, Jean. It was simply a day trip (no overnight stay), so it wasn't that bad. Yesterday, I went over the details with her to tighten any loose strings. The plan was for me to leave at 5am to get there by 6:45am and start my day there @ 7am. No problem. I came home yesterday, went to the gym, hit Wally World for a few items and came home. I was in the bed by 9:45am - talking to Simone on the phone. I got up @ 4am & proceeded to get ready. I'm in my car by 4:45am - sipping on a protein shake and listening to "Somebody for Me" by Heavy D on XM Radio - trying to fully wake up. I grab my cell phone (by habit) and I see that Jean has called me @ 10:42pm last night. WHY??? She left a message, so I checked it: "Hey Fave, this is Jean. Listen, I don't know why we didn't have this conversation yesterday, but I need you in our Northwest territory in the morning, NOT the Southeast. I'm going to leave this message on your work voicemail as well. I hope you get this before you head out and again, I'm sorry." Ain't this 'bout a biscuit? I'm not trying to be a conspiracy theorist, but I just don't believe that Jean wanted me to get that message in time. Something like that warranted a call to my home, but she didn't call. I was on the phone with Simone and I have call-waiting. She's called me @ home in the past when she needed something urgently-- why would you leave me a message after 10pm on my work and cell phone voicemails and not call me @ home? Especially when I have to get up early? Now, I have to go 90 miles in the exact opposite direction and, had I not caught the VM, I would have been looking real dumb in the wrong territory. *sigh* This is not the first time this has happened where Jean conveniently leaves me a time-sensitive voicemail and doesn't exhaust every avenue to reach me. Okay, now that I've typed it out, it doesn't seem as bad. Especially since I caught it before I actually drove a far distance. The part that pisses me off is that I could've stayed sleep for about another hour or so. I'd be getting up around now instead of sitting here, fully dressed, writing on my blog because it makes no sense to go back to bed. Now, I can head to the correct territory and do what I do...cheers to me ;) *as you read this, look around you...thank GOD you have a home.*

mental transport as it happens

2005-01-31T17:39:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am Mr. Anti-TV. I watch about 2 hours of television per week - and that includes when I turn to the Weather Channel in the morning. Well, I came home today and turned on the tube while I ate dinner. What I saw took me to a place I haven't been in a while...a place I decided I no longer need to frequent on a daily basis. This year, I decided to let go of my dream of being a musician/producer/singer/songwriter. I'm approaching 30 and I have other lives depending on me to be responsible and stable...and they're getting older everyday as well. I have an education and good work experience, so I just decided to lean more towards the pseudo-stability of Corporate America and leave those days of night clubs and all-night studio sessions to the younger generation. I had my fun. I saw the world. I didn't get famous, but I had the time of my life...which is why I said goodbye. Now, back to the point of this post. I was watching 106 and Park because I discovered that John Legend was debuting his new song, "Ordinary People" on the countdown and I wanted to see it. The song is on point and the video is very simple and poignant - black and white, realistic characters, etc. It was like Ansel Adams took a musical photograph of urban soul music (mad props to Kanye West for directing this video). The element that mesmerized me the most was this 10 foot grand Baldwin piano that John was playing. I was speechless. I hadn't been that taken away since I saw the clear baby grand piano in the Boyz II Men "Uhh Ahh (sequel)" video. As I continued to watch the video and stare @ the grand piano, I travelled all the way back to my college days. For a moment, I was back in that university auditorium with a grand piano and 100+ voices singing over the melodies I had created. Then I fast forwarded to the pianos I was blessed to touch in various studios: Chicago, Atlanta, Los Angeles, etc. I remembered the way I felt when I contributed to the magic that is GOD-given music. On the final leg of my mental journey, I went to the nite I performed John Legend's song just a few weeks ago with my former band members. I felt the tears forming in my eyes and, just before they fell. The screaming 106 and Park audience brought me back to reality. I looked around my half-filled apartment and examined all the reports and work documents scattered across my sofa. I'm not a musician anymore. I rubbed my head where dreads once draped down to top of my shoulders. I'm not an artist anymore. I stared down @ my dark slacks with my work badge attached to the belt. I'm not in the flow anymore. Well, @ least I still have writing. *yo, don't forget about the homeless*

grandma and crunk music

2005-01-31T08:51:00.000-06:00

This weekend was pretty cool. I drove up to my parents' house for my mother's 50th birthday party. I picked up my grandmother and her "friend" on the way as well as picked up the cake from the bakery. My mother had invited primarily family members- since the majority of them live in-town. My godfather drove down from TN and there were a handful of her childhood friends. Overall, there were about 30 people there. My father and aunt prepared the food and I brought the cake and non-alcoholic beverages. It was a full spread: chicken wings, broccoli-rice casserole, hors d'ouevrs, spaghetti, chicken salad, etc. and everybody got full. People were upstairs and downstairs; most of which I had seen @ some point in my childhood. This was an ol' school family affair with Al Green providing the soundtrack and my father playing checkers with my godfather. Then I showed up with my grandmother. My maternal grandmother has more energy than most people MY age. How can I explain my grandmother? Well, when I first saw Madea in one of Tyler Perry's plays, I thought he had been by my granny's house and watched her for character development. Grandma is just as tall as me (six feet) and I've never seen a day where she didn't smile. She is the poster-child for living "drama-free." My grandma is off the chain...in a good way. She always seems to enjoy life and is full of laughter and fun. She busted through the door - leaving her friend behind with me - yelling "Hey-where da party at?!" By this time, the house was full of people and everyone was happy to see her. The Al Green CD magically disappeared and the next thing I know, grandma is two-stepping to Lil' John and the Eastside Boyz...getting straight crunk. My younger cousins, who are in their late teens, were looking surprised and amused. Grandma tried to get me to dance with her, but I declined and stayed in my chair. She got one of her cousins, who's in his late 60s, to join her on the dance floor. Then my parents joined in. It was getting crazy. Everybody was having a good time either dancing, playing cards, sipping on margaritas or Remi Martin. It's been a long time since I had since my parents enjoy themselves like that. My parents used to have parties all the time when I was a small child, but they kind of chilled when I got around 6 or 7 years old. I can remember my father's 30th birthday back in the Midwest and it kind of resembled the party this past weekend - only it was primarily HIS family. Nevertheless, that was 25 years ago; but it was good to see my family do the dayum thing and just have good clean fun. From my teenage cousins to my 70-year old grandmother, it was off the chain. I gotta borrow that Lil' John CD from grandma... *by the way, don't forget about the homeless*

homeless: the PSA

2005-01-28T15:35:00.000-06:00

I interupt my normal crazy blogging to bring you this extraordinary public service announcement>>> Not to long ago, I really REALLY didn't have my shyt together. Bad decisions birthed a string of bad luck that I thought I couldn't rise beyond. No job. No money. No friends. Plenty of pride. Have you ever heard the phrase, "I'm two checks away from being homeless"? Well, those two checks came and went. My life went from living in a loft and mini-vacations at a moment's notice to Ramen noodles and an eviction notice. And it happened in a blink of an eye. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. There is a point to this post, trust me. I know how it feels to be homeless. Thankfully, I had loving parents who continue to offer any and everything they have to their only child. I had a safety net. A place to go to get back on my feet. Anyone can come on hard times, but everyone doesn't have parents or a strong support system to carry them through recovery. I was (and still am) blessed and I currently have an opportunity to share my blessing with those who don't have the resources. It's my turn to be a blessing, so when I came across this link, I figured it would be a chance to contribute just a fraction of my prosperity to help someone who has hit rock bottom and no one is there to pick him or her up. There are tons of sites like this one, but this is the one I'm choosing to be a part of. I encourage you to dream with me. I know there are plenty of Amazon Wish Lists and PayPal links to help people get their favorite gift or to help fund a fellow blogger's journey across the world. And it's not a diss to those who seek funding for personal fulfillment, I'm just saying... I need you to help me help the homeless. I will be attending this event in April. The investment that they're asking is so minimal, it's the least I could do to help. If you can, I'd like anyone who reads this and feels what I'm saying/writing AND has the means to skip lunch and send a buck or two or five...look out for your nephew one time. We now will return to my normal crazy blogging....already in progress>>>>

musical meme

2005-01-28T11:50:00.000-06:00

I was kind of getting away from these, until Saga tagged me with this musical meme. So here it is: Random 10 "Cold Turkey" - Anthony David "The Boogey Man Song" - Mos Def "Romantic" - Goapele "Say Yes (live version)" - Floetry "Follow the Leader" - Eric B. and Rakim "Wow" - Kanye West "Ordinary People" - John Legend "Singing This Song" - Donny Hathaway "Jesus Saves" - Marvin Winans and the Perfecting Praise Choir "Therapy" - Barry Ousley and Poetic Mindz What is the total amount of music files on your computer? The last time I checked, I was somewhere around 2,000+ Last CD you bought is... "Get Lifted" by John Legend. This was a big deal considering that I NEVER buy CDs. What is the song you last listened to before this message? "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park. What can I say? I listen to everything. I needed a boost before I went to work. Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you... "Come With Me" - P.Diddy: this song helps me get my "gameface" on. "The Jazz" - A Tribe Called Quest: it just takes me back to when things were simple. "Uhh Ahh (the sequel)" - Boyz II Men: it is my all-time favorite slow jam. "The Panties" - Mos Def: when nothing else would calm me down, this song did. "Cry No More" - Faith Evans: the sexiest song she ever sang. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)? Shaunte Swayzee Jazz

i have not forgotten

2005-01-27T10:05:00.000-06:00

Before I flung myself back into Corporate America, life was pretty simple. I jogged/powerwalked around a secluded outdoor track while listening to my MP3 Player full of hip-hop & neo-soul. I helped my parents around their new home by doing everything from cutting the grass to moving furniture. I cooked a lot, but rarely ate. During the day, I could sit in front of my PC for hours IMing people and working on various literary projects: my book (aka a love chronicle), my poetry or my songs (to be incorporated into a stageplay). If I wasn't doing that, I was painting with acrylics on canvas (thanks to Jazz for introducing me to the world of paint tubes and wooden easels). I was in a new place creatively, but a horrible place emotionally. All the writing, composing, painting and manual labor couldn't take away the pain of not having Simone in my life. On the outside, I appeared cool and that's just the gameface all men wear from time to time. Inside, I was dying a little bit everyday. I know that life would've moved on without her, but it wouldn't have been the optimal life I dream about daily. Needless to say, I'm glad she loves me and I love her. I'm glad I got out of my depression (*sigh* I can finally HONESTLY say that is what was wrong with me) and got back into the game of life and business. Okay, I'm losing focus here. Whenever I have a dream about Simone, chocolate syrup, baby chickens, goose-down comforters and "Don't Sweat the Technique" playing amongst the candlelight -- I know that I'm either really REALLY twisted or my creative juices are telling me that they need to come out. Being a businessman is cool, but that's only one dimension of a multidimensional me. I was able to let a little bit of creativity out a few weeks ago @ my musical performance in South Georgia...but it isn't enough. I got a few ideas on how to expand my creativity amidst my hectic schedule and, instead of telling all my business and plans prior to doing it, I'm just going to do the dayum and write about the results.

step yo game up

2005-01-23T15:37:00.000-06:00

This past week was hella stressful @ work and in my relationship. Through prayer, perseverance and communication - I made it through. It just comes down to one thing: I need to step my game up in order to see the success I'm predestined to experience. Not success (just) in the monetary sense, but in the sense of how happy I am and how happy I make the people around me. On a lighter note, the week ended with a plethora of young, female dancers, networking a la MidSouth baller style and reaffirmation that the lady in my life is the woman of my dreams. Yesterday, I volunteered to be on a judge panel for this baseball dance troupe. Over 100 young ladies came out and did their thing to the tune of Ciara's "1, 2 Step" for the chance to be 1 of 15 chosen dancers/cheerleaders for this minor league team. The reason the team's marketing director asked me to judge was a) I would fill the male judge shortage and b) I'll be recommending my company to sponsor either the dancers or another element of the team entertainment. I know, my job is soooooooo hard (lol). Anyway, the roster of potential dancers including everything from "Bring it On" extras to Doublemint twins - the lilliest of white girls to the urban sophisticated sistahs to exotic Asian influence. It was a combination of ANTM, American Idol and Bring it On; I've been in worse situations. After 6 hours of dancing, interviewing, news coverage and a pizza break, we narrowed it down to 15 talented, beautiful young women who will be ambassadors for the team this upcoming season. As I looked @ their young faces, I glanced down @ their applications. Most of these women were born in the mid-80s...dayum, I'm getting old. Later that day, I talked to Simone and we realize that we still have a lot of work to do; despite how much we love each other. The key to a successful relationship is the ability to get along and that is something we're focusing on right now. By 11pm, I had checked into a new hotel and I was getting a phone call from Giant, the city's promotional radio guru. He invited me out to a Lloyd Banks premiere and was calling to get my location so he could pick me up. We chopped it up on the way to the club: talking about life, marriage (he's married with kids), business and how to make money in this town. Giant is a serious mover and shaker and a great gateway into networking in the city. By 11:30pm, I was in the VIP section of the club with other radio execs, sports team reps, etc. Moet was flowing like it was on tap and Giant was introducing me to all the major players in town. Due to the festive environment, none of us talked business. We simply exchanged business cards, made a few toasts and enjoyed the ambiance. Lloyd Banks showed up around 1am and the crowd moved their arms up and down like a scene from 8 Mile...it was kind of funny. I stayed in the VIP with Giant and just laughed. I didn't do anything that I couldn't have done if Simone was there; except go for a Krystal run @ 2:30am. I don't even like Krystal's, but I was hungry and it was the only thing open. 3 o'clock am. I'm back @ my hotel room full off of little cheeseburgers and a large soda. Simone is back in my ear via cellphone. I just wanted her to know I had made it back. We talked briefly-- she lulled me to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling better about my stressful week and hit the road ready to get my mind, body and spirit back into the game...and step it up.

so now what?

2005-01-21T13:09:00.000-06:00

When I breathe, I can smell her scent. Not the sweet fragrance of cucumber-melon; because anyone can visit Bath & Body Works and pick that up. This is a signature aroma exclusive to her. I inhale the air and the very breath that sustains my life, also sustains the essence of her in my life. It smells like crisp, winter air and brand new leather coats. I can taste the salt of our tears, the bitterness of our arguments and the sweat of our bodies being conduits to our souls- combining to make up and give in to each other. GOD gives me breath. He gives me life. He gives me the opportunity to be a leader. With each breath comes a chance to make the wrong things right. I can do anything to the fullest and I choose to love her because she is in my every breath: sweet, bitter and salty. I want to inhale her...all of her. I welcome all of her into my life because I have given so much of my soul- piece by piece- until I have rendered a total transference from me to her. Love has bonded our souls together- blended it so my spirit is forever joined. We might as well follow suit physically and emotionally because, spiritually - we are already together. When I think of growing old (Lord willing), I picture looking @ you. When I think of dying, the only hand I want to hold when I cross over, is hers. My life, with all the twists and turns will always lead to her. Since Day One, I was in the dark and she pointed it out. Somewhere between lust, arrogance and bad decisions- the darkness because denial and she STILL allowed discernment and truth save me from hell because my pride was taking me there quickly. She saved my life so many times by caring enough about me to give it to me straight. I need that, I need her. It's not that I don't want to be alone: I don't want to be without her. I need to stop wasting time and disrespecting life by NOT living another day without the reality of the inexplicable, unconditional love in my heart for her. No longer do I want to fight it. She is my soul. So much of me is in her until I can't tell when my soul ends and hers begins. We are one and it's time I make decisions that reflect that desire. I love Simone with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But what will happen to me if I don't?

celebrity backfire (the sequel)

2005-01-21T09:06:00.000-06:00

I didn't forget: Backfire ------------- I drove to Memphis primarily listening to the comedy channel on XM Radio. I needed to laugh in order to stay awake and it was very much on point. They played everything from Dave Chappelle to vintage Redd Foxx stand-up. In between comedy sets, I'd get lost in the silence of the nite and contemplate various aspects of my life. Naturally, amongst spirituality, parenthood, career development and health...I thought about Simone. Simone is your all-around strong, independent black woman. When you combine that with the wisdom gathered from a challenging childhood and failed marriage, she got even stronger and more independent. I know that men have let women do the bulk of life's task (I was guilty of it myself), but I'm delivered from that ill-fated paradigm. I want to be a leader in my family and in my relationship with Simone. The task is hard, but I believe that GOD leading me and Simone supporting me, I can be a incredible force in my life and in the lives of people I touch. I am ready to be that man, that husband, that father I was raised to be. The revelation I had while driving into the abyss, was that I am going to address Simone's fears of commitment and relocation with a strong, clear vision for our future. When I arrived in Memphis, I was on the phone with Simone (as usual). She usually accompanies me on my travels via telecommunications. I proceeded to share with her my epiphany; how I want her to be my life parter, how impactful our combined experiences can be in helping others, how I want her to relocate and submit to my stepping up and being strong for us. It was a quick 10-12 minutes monolouge, waiting to be birthed into a dialouge, but it didn't happen. She didn't even hear me and actually asked me to repeat myself. I did. She responded with the theme that I was "pressuring" her to get married and that I was not enjoying the current status of our long-distance relationship. It backfired. I had turned into the male-version of the nagging female that wants nothing more than to be married with the kids and the mini-van. I thought I was being strong and committed and I ended up looking like a jerk. She'd much rather live in sin for an indefinite amount of time than be joined in a righteous union -- all in the name of commitment phobia and fear of not "getting along." Keep in mind that I had this experience PRIOR to writing the "Just" post, so I'm still optimistic...I guess. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking...let me get back to work.

just

2005-01-20T09:43:00.000-06:00

I just want to take care of you. Keep a comfortable roof over your head. I just want to cook for you. Make you laugh. Listen to your thoughts. Give you advice. Make love to you every night. Put lotion on your feet. Massage your whole body. Kiss your lips. Pray over you while you sleep. Pray with you when you're awake. Give you our children. Come home to you on somedays. Be waiting for you when you get home on other days. Inspire you. Tell you how wonderful you are. Tell you how wrong you can sometimes be. I just want to listen to you when you correct me. I want to understand that you have my best interest @ heart. I want to be a man you can be proud to have. I just want to lead us in the right direction. I want to partner with you to help others through our combined wisdom. I want to budget our household together. Pay bills together. File taxes together. Get joint accounts together. I want to be the envy of all your friends. I want my love for you to reflect God's love for the church. I want to be there for you when you're sick. To encourage you when you're family irritates you. To take a stand for us when others think we'll never make it. I want you to look @ me and be glad you decided to be my wife. To love you above all others. To be loved above all others. To love you and only you. I want to be your husband. I want you to be my wife. I want us to have a God-blessed, fun-loving, romantic-filled life. And I want it to be "right." I just want to love you.

celebrity backfire

2005-01-19T11:31:00.000-06:00

Appreciative accolades. Musical intoxication. Stage-induced euphoria. Flattery that got them nowhere. Therapy through XM Comedy. Spiritual attacks through corporate cloaks. Guaranteed damnation through unconditional love. Strong epiphany a la T.D. Jakes. Internal emotional devaluation. All this and more in only 48 hours. Ah, the good life. But let me start from the beginning (this is a two part post): Celebrity ----------- In another life, I co-founded a weekly cultural event in a small town in the Deep South. In a very short period of time, it blossomed into the biggest social event in the area. As time passed, this event afforded me the opportunity to work with various musicians, radio stations, recording studios and eventually having my own band. I didn't make much money and I had my share of challenges, but overall it was a valuable experience. I was very popular in the community-- to the point where I couldn't go to Wally World or the gas station without someone saying, "Aren't you the guy from..." or "Don't you host that thing???" or "Are you gonna sing tonight?" When it came down to doing shows and providing entertainment for the grown & sexy in town, I made it happen. To make a long story short, I left that entire world/life behind to pursue my dreams of professional cultivation and upward mobility; hence, my current career as a business executive. I cut my dreads, bought a few suits and moved away from the life I had spent 18 months building from nothing to (local) celebrity status... This past Monday, I was laying in bed watching Martin Luther King Day coverage on cable. The phone rang and it was Zach, my partner from that former life. They were having a two-year anniversary celebration of the event he and I created and he wanted to know if I was coming. I had thought about it, but originally declined because that meant a 3-hour drive the eve of my having to drive 300+ plus miles in the opposite direction. He gave me this line about how it would be great to have the "originators" there and how it was going to be a huge turnout. I looked at my un-showered body and clear schedule and decided to make the trip. I drove into town, got a hotel room and hit the mall to buy something to wear. When I lived there, I was popular, but I barely had enough money to pay rent. Everyone who was anyone always told me that I was "too big" for this small town. Some people actually resented my doing things on such a grand scale with next to nothing. I thought about all that as I drove through town and it made me sick to my stomach. I went back to the hotel to clean up and get dressed for the night's festivities. It was everything Zach said it would be. Hundreds of people. My former band still doing their thing. People walking up to me, either astonished that I had cut my dreads or just surprised I was in town. I warmed up with the band and it was a feeling I hadn't had in over six (6) months. If you are a perfomer, you can relate to the high you get from being onstage. I only played for about 30 minutes, doing a jazz version of John Legend's "Used to Love You." I had my bass player, drummer and lead guitarist. It was just like back in the day. That felt good. The JD on the rocks I was knocking back helped in that "feel good" feeling as well. About 2 hours and 8 JDs later, I did a live band version of "Ordinary People" and sang while the band backed me up. It was a little more extra than the piano acoustic version, but it was still cool. Simone was on my cell as I sang. I was singing to her. Afterwards, I had at least four (4) women come up to me and ask if I had gotten married, where I was staying tonight, etc...etc. It was flattering, but I wasn't down for some wannabe groupie ass. Nothing is worth jepoardizing what I have. I took the compliments with a grain of salt. In the end, I spent the night in my hotel room...alone. I was high off JD, the lights, the stage, the music. I love my current job and the stability it brings; but it was cool to get onstage just one more time and do what I love to do. The next day (yesterday), I had to drive to Memphis...a minimum 8-hour ride from my exisiting location. I wasn't prepared for the metric assload of bullshyt I was to encounter from my home office nor was I ready for the revelation I had about Simone while I was driving. Both ended up contributing to my insomnia that kept me up until 4am, even though I had to be in the office @ 7am. Needless to say, I am exhausted, frustrated, angry and I feel spiritually/mentally/emotionally inadequate as a man. Okay, we all know that is NOT the case, but it's how I feel right now. I'll have to vent that later, I have another meeting across town; hence, Part Two.

cheese is not a cut-buddy

2005-01-14T14:45:00.000-06:00

It takes a lot for me to be embarrassed, simply because I'm just like that. Ain't no shame in my game. But this past week, I had an experience that will go down as hella embarrassing. Just so you know where this is going, let me start you off with the premise of this episode in my life: Fave is extremely lactose intolerant...(do you know where I'm going with this???) The night before, I indulged in a late nite snack: a PBJ sandwich with a cup of cold, skim milk. I promised myself I would only use the milk for dipping purposes, but I didn't. I LOVE the fresh clean taste of ice cold skim milk, but over the years, my body just can't take the lactose - resulting in a very gas-filled Fave. Despite the present reality, I sipped the milk until the sip transformed into a huge gulp. It felt so good going down... The next day, I'm @ work and my office is a good distance away from my other colleaugues. So I'm making phone calls, responding to emails, signing off contracts, etc. Meanwhile, I'm letting one go about every 30 minutes. I'm not talking about those faint, "I-hope-no-one-heard-me" windbreakers. These were Bleek, Mo' Better Blues trumpet blows. No one was in the office, so there was no reason to be cute about it. By lunch, I thought the worst was over, but there was one more waiting for me and it came around 3pm. I know it's gross to sit here and write about passing gas, but there is a point... At 3pm, I recieved a sudden jolt in my stomach. I could feel the bubble of air slowly passing through me...looking for an escape. I was so thankful that I was alone because this was going to be the coup de gras. I grabbed the armrests of my seat in order to lift my body up from the chair, to allow a little room between myself and the seat. I vowed to NEVER drink milk again. I let it go... Almost instantaneously, she walked in. It was Jessica, the marketing analyst who's office was in my section of the building. She's a very gregarious, nosey little lady who has the best intentions, but can sometimes come off a bit over bearing. Anyway, she walks into my space. Normally, I just turn around in my seat and talk to her - but I shot straight up. "What's up, Jessica?" "Hey, how are you?!" she said, walking closer to my desk. "What can I do for you today?" I asked. I was trying my best to block her from my area, but to no avail. She found a reason to get closer into my space. "Ooh, I see you got a frame for your son's picture!" "Yep, it was a gift," I answered. This was her reason to be nosey. The picture sits to the left of my laptop, so she could see what I doing on the computer (even though I only had a spreadsheet up on the screen). Suddenly, her button nose wrinkled up like a hot dog after you take it off the grill. She turned to me with this perplexed look, as if she had been violated. She knew and there was nothing I could do about it. "Faaaave?" "Yes, Jessica?" "Did you poot?" she whispered. "I can't believe you would ask me such a thing." "Well, it smells like you pooted." That was too massive to be called a "poot" sista.

"Well, I don't smell any...uh, you know what?" I smiled as I stared at the plastic container of tuna fish that had been sitting on my desk all morning/afternoon. "It must be this fish. I forgot to go put it in the refridgerator @ lunch. My bad. That must be what you smell."

"Yeah, it must be," she replied. I smiled. She cocked her head to the side. "Fave, are you sure you didn't..."

"I gotta get back to work, Jessica. I wanna get home @ a decent hour."

She went to her cubicle and I went back to work. She didn't buy it. She knew it was me. Now, I have no intentions of having anything beyond a professional, working relationship with Jessica. She's a very pretty girl, but she's no Simone. So why should it matter if I broke the wind of Mount Olympus around her? Well, it's just a code we men live by. You don't pass wind around a pretty girl and you dayum sure don't expose her to the treacherous aroma that is "essence of ass."

Moral: Cutting the cheese is NOT a spectactor sport.

body check

2005-01-13T09:53:00.000-06:00

Last night, Simone and I actually had a humorous conversation of sorts. As I slumped into the couch, staring off into space while she talked, my body parts were plotting against me: Ears: Does this cat believe in dayum sleep? I hear Simone's soprano toned voice so much, I don't even know if my bass levels work anymore. Arms: At least you're used to it, E. All of a sudden, this nikka wants to go to the gym and pick up weights. And don't let somebody walk pass, he'll pick up the pace until I start burning. Legs: But Arms, you get breaks in between sets. Why the phuck does he need cardio? I'm the most toned, sculpted part out of all of y'all. So what does he do? 60 friggin' minutes of stepmaster and treadmill and eliptical and just....*sigh* shyt to make me work! Stomach: Fellas, all I wanna know is why he gotta be "crunching" me? If you're gonna crunch, at least let me hold a Reese cup or a double cheeseburger-- but this fool filling me up with grilled chicken and broccoli. This is inhuman. Heart: I don't wanna be an ass... Ass: (interupts) You could NEVER be ME. Heart: Uh, right. As I was saying...I kind of like the changes. I was getting tired of beating at the same tempo, but now I get to thump from time to time. Whenever he was eating that bullshyt you like, Stomach, it was making it hard for me to pump blood to all of you guys so that you could function. I don't know, I feel myself getting stronger and I appreciate what he's doing. *sigh* I just wish he'd get some sleep. Stomach: Good point. But before we get into that, Heart, you can kiss my ass with all that healthy "Oh, I feel so strong" shyt. Ass: I don't want him kissing me. Ears: What are y'all saying? I can't hear nothing past Simone's loud ass voice! Heart: We need to put him to sleep, so we can rest and actually function better when he's awake. Arms: It sure would make those workouts go smoother. Legs: So what do we do? Brain: I got an idea. Since Mr.Feel Good has been working out, I've been able to make more seratonin than usual. I'll release some into the system to get him relaxed. Ears: Simone-a-tonin? Brain: SERATONIN. The chemical that makes us happy...as well as sleepy. But then, I want y'all to chill. Don't do shyt. If you get a signal to move, don't do it. It's a false alarm. Stomach: So we're on strike? Hell yeah! Legs: Cool. Let's just stop. Heart: Yeah, let's just... EVERYONE: NOOOOO! Brain: No, you gotta keep working. Unless you want us to sleep permanently. Heart: Sorry. Brain: We'll start with the eyes. Eyes: I gotcha... *starts closing* Brain: Now, everybody else follow suit. Back: Wait, we're not even in bed yet. He's sitting back on the couch. Legs: So what?! We gotta do it now! Do or die, man! Brain: Right. Everybody shut down. Ears: Huh? Brain: Just keep listening, we'll get you to some silence soon enough... I don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew, I woke up @ 5am, reclined in the couch with the phone in my lap. I hope I told Simone goodbye, but if I didn't...dayum, I must have been hella sleepy. I couldn't move. My arms, legs, etc. felt like lead. I couldn't keep my eyes open. My body had gotten tired of moving around 18 hours out the day for weeks. They went on strike and let up just long enough for me to walk to the bedroom and crash for another 2 hours before I had to get up and get ready for work. When I got up, it was all good and everything was back to normal. But I know they (my body) did this on purpose because my tenacious-ass don't know how to sit down and relax. So,from time to time, they have to do it for me.

common denominator

2005-01-12T14:12:00.000-06:00

The past few days haven't been that great. I've accomplished a lot @ work, but I come home to an empty apartment (fyi- I'm thinking about getting a pet of some sorts that doesn't have to be walked, litter trained or live underwater) and my only solace is to hit the gym and subject myself to physical pain followed by endorphin-induced euphoria and sore muscles. I ranted and raved about Simone, her past, my past, my anger, her hypocrisy, etc...etc..etc. Before I went to lunch on yesterday, I ordered fiftten (15) tulips through FTD and had them sent to her office today. Simone and I have communicated briefly and sporatically throughout this morning and early afternoon. Nothing significant. All email driven. Just pathetic if you ask me...on both ends. I knew the flowers were coming today, but I never said a word. When they arrived, she called me. Simone said that an email to confirm receipt would have been "too impersonal." Even at my angriest and most frustrated, all I could say to her was "I love you." I think that is the essence of any successful relationship. Just due to the natural course of human interaction, we will run the gamut of emotions and display them accordingly. But when you have DECIDED to love someone (because love is more decision than feeling), it becomes the common demoninator that overrides any other feeling. I'm still pissed right now, but life is too short to sit around beefing over some shyt that can't change. I love her and, even when things aren't so great, I need to show her. That's what she's been asking for and that's what she shall get from me. No matter what, that woman is my heart's joy and something as simple as ordering flowers online, is indicative of the type of mentality I believe a good mate should have. I love you, Simone.

how do u respond 2 silence

2005-01-12T09:21:00.000-06:00

11 january 2005 @ 543pm My office. I pick up the phone and take a deep breath. I have a habit of hyperdialing, hitting the buttons all fast, but this time I dialed very slow. I pushed "9" to get an outside line, then "1" for the country code. Area code. Phone number. Five digit long distance security code... The phone rings three times. Simone: Hello? Silence. Simeon: Helloooo? (she sang) I can't speak. Simone: Hello, hello, hello? (more inquisitive). She hangs up. I put the phone down and stare back @ my laptop screen. My chest is tight. 608pm The phone rings (there's no callerID on my work phone). I answer. Fave: <insert company name here>, this is Fave. Simone: I miss you, too. She hangs up before I can respond. *sigh*

close your eyes and...

2005-01-11T17:35:00.000-06:00

Why am I still @ work? Everybody is gone and I'm sitting in the dark with nothing but the flicker of light from my computer screen. Hell, even the janitors have come, emptied my trash and dipped. I gotta get home so I can wash and cook those collards I bought the other day from the vegetable truck. *sigh* Then I gotta head to the gym @ phuck with Miss Montgomery as I continue my pursuit of the triple deuce. Overall, I had a very productive day @ work with minimal bullshyt and I even managed to squeeze in a significant lunch break with my colleague. We left the office and drove to Panera Bread for salads, sandwiches and other healthy, low-carb fixings. The agreement was that we were not to talk about work...and we didn't. She told me how her boyfriend was sick and doing a presentation in Atlanta. I talked about Simone. It's funny how I can sit and talk about "her" for 45 minutes straight, but I haven't called her all day. She hasn't called me either, but why would she? I miss Simone. I love her so much. I just want to get past this bullshyt and get back to loving her. But on the real, I don't even know if that will be an option. Simone is much more prone to say "phuck it" while I believe that she and I, together, possess the incredible ability to overcome emotional obstacles and move forward. Together, I believe that she and I can accomplish so much and help so many people realize their dreams. Separately, I believe that she and I will never reach our fullest potential and end up having good, but not completely optimized lives. That is the road we travelled just a few years ago, when she was married and I was doing my thing in the ATL. I don't want to go down that road - it's full of mediocrity. Dayum near everybody and their mama is on Mediocre Rd., driving vehicles fueled on convenience, circumstance and lost dreams. That shyt ain't for me and I don't want it to be the fate for Simone. I have what it takes to rise above my current situation and I will. I'm gonna suck it up, I promise. I'm gonna go home and clean this collards, then go do this cardio. I bought a brand new Sony MD player and it is the shiznit! This past summer, I did hella walking and was on the way to being lean by simply walking around a track listening to my MP3 player. The music motivated me and kept my mind off the cardio aspect (I hate cardio with a passion). I lost my MP3 player in October and then I got this new gig where I drive and fly for hours each week while supersizing my dinners. I lost my way - in more ways than one - now, I'm back on track with my music and my life. I love the man I am today because I'm not bound by pride (@ the moment) or the past. I guess that means my head is clearer than it was yesterday. I knew it wouldn't take much. Cheers to me.™ Okay, I know this post made absolutely no sense - but so what? It's mine.

human

2005-01-11T11:04:00.000-06:00

I'm releasing the anger that is attempting to fester in my soul. I still can't seem to shake the hypocrisy of Simone's actions. It's not that she went and MP'ed someone else, it's the fact that she criticized me hard for doing the same, knowing she was just as fallable. Anyway, she called to inform me that she had returned his call (he had been calling her all week, apparently to schedule an encore commercial break of failed carnal satisfation) and let him know that his services (or lack thereof) were no longer wanted. Simone even offered his number for verification. That wasn't necessary, but whatever. Initially, I just wanted to ride out this wave of pain on my own. I know, in the grand scheme of things, Simone is the only woman I'll ever love with this level of ferver, passion and intensity. She even suggested that, if I needed time to purge my anger, that she would understand. Then it switched to "I wanna be there for you." In an effort to be more open-minded (and against my own judgement), I agreed to let her into my head during this healing process. It started when I was driving home from the gym and I was invited to my uncle's house for dinner. Simone was @ home (700+ miles away) doing nothing. We usually keep each other company via cell phone and we were talking as I driving. When I told her I was going to my uncle's place, she said that she would go "call whoever would talk to her" and somehow that phrase triggered the reality of her sleeping with someone else on my birthday. Don't ask me how, it just did. So last night, after she called to tell me that she talked to him and closed that unpleasant chapter in her life, I guess I didn't sound jovial enough. I was in the bathtub washing away the daily work grime because I was going to an Aqua-aerobics class and I didn't want to shower @ the gym. I got off the phone, got dressed, went to the gym, grabbed a bite to eat (salad), visited Wally World and was driving home a little after 11pm. She calls back, nearly 4 hours later, expecting me to be 'healed' because she called some a**hole she phucked and told him that there was no need to contact her. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she did it; but I don't know if that was for my benefit or hers. She said it didn't mean anything, which I can understand. She said that she wasn't even attracted to him (but on the real, how many WOMEN do you know, sleep with men they aren't attracted to???). I just got angry all over again. I don't like being rude and/or having an attitude with Simone. I don't enjoy being in a place, mentally, where I might say something that I don't mean. I opted to take her advice and simply step away from the situation and cool off for a day or two. This was HER SUGGESTION and I was choosing to try something different. "Do you wanna just break up?" she responded. WTF? This was YOUR suggestion! Now, because I exercise that option, our entire relationship hangs in the balance? That's that bullshyt right there. "You've never asked for time...never" she continued. HELL-F**KING-O! That's the byproduct of seeking DIFFERENT results! They are usually precluded with DIFFERENT ACTIONS. But now, because I want CHANGE and I'm DOING what's necessary to bring about CHANGE, that's wrong? And it was YOUR suggestion? I'm ready to slit my wrists (figuratively speaking). "I'm laying here, upset, and I'm thinking 'how do you even know he's being faithful'?" she said. At this point, that's simply a pathetic psychological defense mechanism to justify being pissed. I'm convinced that was the fuel behind that previous outburst. I'm not doing a dayum thing. I did the whole "multiple women" thing and that shyt is for the birds. I love you (Simone) and every action, every word, every breath I dayum take - speaks to that fact. Maybe in the past, you could throw that in my face. You can even bring up the past when I lied, kept things from you, etc...But baby, YOU DID THE SAME DAYUM THING. We're human. We make mistakes. We do dumb shyt. But we also have a GOD to guide us and WISDOM to refrain from repeating the same mistakes. I just need time to clear my head. Work is getting stressful. I'm lonely. The only woman who satisfies every emotional, physical, mental and spiritual need is hundreds of miles away and she'd rather end our relationship than allow me the time she suggested I take. The conversation ended last night with her accepting the fact that I just need time (and not a lot of it), to simply flush my thoughts so we can move on. I don't even know if she meant it when she agreed, but whatever. She may have called that guy back. She may call her ex-husband. Or she could have meant what she said and love me enough to grant me the time she suggested and I asked for. I'm praying for the latter. *sigh* I gotta go finish this budget.

iBite

2005-01-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

Sounds like a new device from Sony that chews your food for you...but seriously, I do bite and my most recent victim is Ms.Luscious & Uppitty's blog. Thanks for the idea...I like this one right here: Last fight? The last (physical) altercation was in '96. I'm not sure of the events surrounding the fight, buut I ended up breaking his jaw and my pinky finger. I've never been a violent person, but I was on that night. What makes you cry? Just recently, I started crying way more than I should. Simone makes me cry. When I think about having her. When I think about losing her. It just happens. I'm working on it, though. Describe the moment you came closest to death. I was hanging out with my older (drug-dealing) cousins and one of their friends put a gun up to my head because he thought I was a snitch for the police. He asked me if I was ready to die and I said "yeah" (I was 16 and had not too long seen Juice). He put the gun down, laughed and said, "This nigga's got heart." We were cool from that point. Most dangerous friend? I have a homeboy who walked the streets with a sawed off shotgun when we were in high school! He was the only one of my friends who made me nervous whenever we went into a store (because I thought he was gonna rob the joint). What makes him dangerous is he has a VERY short fuse, but he was also very intelligent (i.e., genius IQ). Is there anybody you miss? My grandfather. Craziest fear? Being within 50 yards of roller coasters @ night and/or on gloomy days. That shyt freaks me out. A food you're ashamed to admit you crave? SPAM. I won't eat it now, but I remember hooking that mystery meat up with some cheese and bread. What humbles you? My son. Nothing I do in life will be greater than what I deposit into him. Biggest lesson learned? Be real at all costs. If you don't like the consequences of a particular action, DON'T DO IT! What dissapoints you? People who don't embrace difference perspectives and individuality. Famous people you find dissapointing? George Bush and Faith Evans Famous people who inspire you. Sean Combs, Berry Gordy and Cathy Hughes Goals? More personal development (e.g., workout, lower cholesterol, carb intake, etc.) Favorite song right now. "Ordinary People" by John Legend. Somewhere you haven't been that you'd love to go. Hong Kong Loner or social butterfly? Both. One book most people would be surprised you read? Just Say No by Omar Tyree. One movie most people would be surprised you love? Weird Science. The concept of building your own fantasy girl through a computer and wearing bras on your head is a timeless classic. Last ten songs in your iTunes? 10.Ordinary People by John Legend. 09.Let's Get Blown by Snoop & Pharrell. 08.New Workout Plan by Kanye West 07.Can U Handle It by Usher Raymond 06.Struggle by KRS-ONE 05.Across 110th Street by Bobby Womack 04.Backseat by Brian McKnight 03.Cry No More by Faith Evans 02.I Need U by Jill Scott 01.Running Time by Amber Sunshower And that's what's up.

urban country daydreams

2005-01-10T08:47:00.000-06:00

*It's all in my head - I think about it over and over again* I was just on hold to talk to a rep @ a country station in Memphis and they were playing this song; I believe it's Tim McGraw and Nelly...together on a track. Oh yeah, the end is near when Mr.Hot-in-Herre joins forces with the Contemporary Cowboy. Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I got heaviness on my mind this morning. I have hella projects to focus on and I'm running on 3 hours of intermittent sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him inside of her...my Simone - spread eagle for another muhfugga. 30 seconds. 1 minute. All night. It really doesn't matter. It was her way of celebrating my birthday while I was in the MidAtlantic doing my own thug thizzle with someone I thought could replace her. I was wrong because she (Toya) couldn't replace Simone and didn't deserve to be used emotionally and physically. At the time, Simone and I weren't really talking and we weren't "together" like we are now. I didn't hide anything from Simone nor Toya, but I kept lying to myself by growing emotionally towards Toya- knowing my heart and soul was still in Simone's hands. In a pathetic attempt to be in control of my life, I went to the MidAtlantic instead of the Midwest for my birthday; thinking that Simone (aka Ms.ICouldCareLess) never gave it a second thought. Fast forward a couple months and everything blows up in my face. Toya and I don't click (mainly because of my obvious existing attachment to Simone). Simone stays in my life despite her claim that she would never speak to me if I went to see Toya and not her on my birthday. We work through it. We put down our guards long enough to show each other that we're in love with one another. Next comes Thanksgiving, Christmas and all the love and triumphs I've written about over the holidays. Prior to the plane trips and lovemaking, I constantly had to hear about my indiscretion with Toya. I'm sure it hurt, so I took the blows, the sarcastic remarks about my ill-fated excursion. I deserved it because, afterall, I left the woman I really loved alone on my birthday...so I thought. While I was inside Toya, someone else was inside Simone. And while Simone knew about Toya from Day One, she (Simone) just decided to tell me this past week. I appreciate the honesty. I respect the honesty. I know I've done my share of screwy things in the relationship. But it still dayum hurts. Why, when everything is peachy, she decides to disclose this shyt? How dare her constantly chide me for weeks about Toya when she had her own skeleton fresh in her closet!!! It's just a f**ked up situation all the way around and it had to be addressed eventually. It's like, the holidays are over and it was time to get back to real life. This is real life. This shyt hurts. And it's all in my head. In the words of comedian, Michael Collier: Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

i could go so much further

2005-01-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

Light, quick strums from the Spanish guitar Calling me - musically summoning my presence On the streets of Los Angeles, basking in the golden sunshower As it drips on an afternoon block party So mui caliente, mami - is this real life? Barbecue, close friends and a love you pray Will never end? It can be... If you want it, if you need it - but understand I could go so much further Over the magnificient mile with a magnificient you Hair visually swimming in the wind carried by the lake As your warm kiss takes away the Navy Pier chill Did your lips carry the heat of the West Or should I just drop the metaphors and realize You are undeniably the best Taking my heart so high, that the Sears Tower Is just an ant hill compared to the ascension Of my soul - elevated by your extraordinary love Sort of frightening, though- because I could go so much further As we continue to get dirty together Red clay, gold teeth and blue skies Crunk Cadillacs and successful blacks Dayum! Look @ dat gul rat derre! It's you Uncanny how a sea of ATL's finest Cannot obstruct my view - stay with me And be my private 112, you know I fell for you Two excursions ago, so... Hold me in the moist, southern air And we can go there - around the world Ain't necessary, but we can go from College Park To the 'Dec - up through Stone Mountain, over to The Big Chicken and back - then I can taste A different kind of sweat made from A different kind of heat coming from The same gorgeous queen, can you believe? I could go so much further... (c) 2005 FaveNite

get your cranium cracked

2005-01-07T10:58:00.000-06:00

I just got out of a two-hour conference call and my head is about to explode! Thank GOD for blogs! I just took a break to read a few of my favorite blogs to decompress from all the information that has been force-fed into my brain. After reading all the random mental thoughts, I thought I'd conclude my blog break with a few of my own... Why did I wake up @ 6am to the sounds of roofers scraping off old shingles directly above my second floor apartment??? This wasn't normal noise...it was stomping, wheelbarrel toting, loud talking CHAOS!!! I just knew one of those loudmouth roofers were gonna drop through my ceiling @ any moment. Hitting the snooze button was not an option-- I just had to get up and start my day, noise and all. Thanks, jerks. Last night, I went to the gym and ended up doing an hour of cardio...going toe to toe with that stairmaster from hell for 30 minutes, then resorting to the familiarity of the treadmill for another 30. Montgomery was in the Pilates class, so I didn't have to deal with her. The bulk of my training right now is cardio, so I don't rely heavily on her supervision; I just need her motivation when I'm doing the strength training because a brother will drop the weights with the quickness if I feel the burn. Working out has its benefits because, despite the roof issue, I slept well and didn't have a problem getting up. I straightened up my bedroom and ironed my clothes while I watched MSNBC business news on television (yes, I had the dayum TV on - blame Simone). After I got dressed, I made myself two (2) breakfast burritos (i.e., eggs, cheese, sausage and salsa wrapped in a tortilla), took out the trash and drove to work eating and listening to Dana Dane on XM Radio. It's a gloomy day, but I got so much work to do- I don't have time to really care. I guess I'll get back to it...peace.

be easy

2005-01-06T13:04:00.000-06:00

I'm in the thick of work right now, so I decided to take a "blog break" and clear my head while this CD-R I'm burning completes. I got projects coming out of my ears, but it's fun stuff for the most part. I'm currently doing some Black History Month related projects, so I gotta make sure they're on point. I just found out that I don't have to go out of town tomorrow and my travelling has been pushed back until after the King Holiday. It may sound insignificant, but I'm ecstatic about staying in my new place and chilling. I'll put my XM radio to the test later in the month (smile). I just got an email about a last-minute project involving American Idol. Although I'm not a fan of the show, I DO have a copy of Ruben Studdard's album and I've heard nothing but great stuff about Miss Fantasia...this should be fun. Okay, this is supposed to be a blog break and I'm still talking about work. I'm debating on going to a body sculpting class @ 6pm, followed by an ab class @ 6:45pm OR do the ab class @ 6:45pm and try this Pilates class @ 7pm. Either way, I'm gonna be hurting; but I gotta stay on task. I am not happy with my body these days, but thankfully, I can do something about it. Only a week into the new year and it has already been full of firsts. Last night, I used a George Foreman™ grill for the first time. I've always had one (brand new, in the box), but decided to give it a try since I was crunched for time. Normally, I break out the sautee pan, extra virgin olive oil, onions, green peppers, etc. before I even invite the chicken breast to the party. This time, I skipped the grilled veggies and just slapped that seasoned poultry titty on the GFG. In seven (7) minutes, I was eating a very moist chicken breast sandwich...now, I'm hooked. I got up this morning and grilled another chicken breast to add to my garden salad for lunch. I'm going to drive home now and eat the salad because I left it on the kitchen counter...dayum.

the best man

2005-01-05T08:40:00.000-06:00

I'm remembering Lance & Mia (played by Morris Chestnut & Monica Calhoun respectively) in the movie, The Best Man. Lance was a hedonistic love machine who finally decided that monogamy was a more suitable road to travel. As he stood there, reciting his vows before his bride, the screen flashed hurtful images indicative of Lance's thoughts. In the time it takes a heart to beat, you could see split-second images of Mia, butt naked, getting it from the back. She was riding it like a cowgirl and sucking on fingers that did not belong to Lance. The dick she was riding did not belong to Lance. These images blinked on the screen between visions of a crying Lance devoting his life to Mia. Clearly, her one indiscretion doesn't add up to the countless times he stepped out on Mia...but it hurts him to think of the woman, he loves more than life, to allow another man inside of her. The pain doesn't override his love and, subsequently, they join together as husband and wife. This past week, I made a promise to Simone. It was an extension of a promise I made to myself and God. When I think of all the women, deception, lies and angst I subjected myself to over the years, it makes me sick to my stomach. I didn't have the luxury of wandering aimlessly searching for "the one" because she had been in my life since I was a teenager...I just ignored the signs. Now, when I think about those more recent indiscretions (i.e., the past couple of years), they restrict my ability to trip about Simone's transgressions. The thought of another man kissing her lips, touching her skin, feeling themselves inside of her...*sigh* it takes me to a place I don't want to go. Even if was a mindless phuck (MP), involving nothing but bodies and not spirits, it's still a connection. But which is worse, an MP or emotional ties??? I think they're both bad. Nevertheless, if Simone has experienced the type of disgust I've felt in regards to being with someone else - that is enough for me to never step out of the relationship she and I currently have. I think if men were to imagine and internalize the probable reality of the woman, they think they have on lock, giving the goods to someone else...it would make them think twice about having side chicks. And all that "I'm a man" and "that's just what men do" is straight bullshyt. A man is not defined by how many women he sleeps with, how many babies he can make and how deceptive he can be with all of them. In fact, that's the exact opposite (Am I reading too much T.D. Jakes?). I am not a man because I've had a plethora of woman/sexual encounters. I am not a man because I have children in this world. I am not a man because I knew how to manipulate situations in my relationships to my advantage. I was a child, a boy, a punk, a bitch. But I'm not one anymore. Haven't been for a while. A real man faces what he does...right or wrong. I just want to do more right in the future than wrong. Okay, I'm just rambling now...until next time...

i accept the challenge

2005-01-04T19:10:00.000-06:00

I was doing my final blog cruising for the evening when I came across something very poignant to my life. Thanks Nai for hipping me 2 the Discovery Health Challenge that's going down in a couple of weeks. I've already registered and I encourage anyone else who wants to feel/look better in 2005 to do the same. Wow, I actually wrote a short post...

i love 2 hate her

2005-01-04T18:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, I sneaked into the gym last night and did some cardio - the exercise bike. I learned very quickly that I do not want to go to World Gym @ 6pm because it's the dayum Buff Negro & Ladies-Working-Out-With-Make-Up hour! All the dudes were lean and cut up and all the women were walking around in Clinique and tanktops. The joint was packed and you couldn't get on a machine...so I stayed icognegro on the bike and did my thing. Maybe when I'm all fine and shaped up, I can roll during gym happy hour, but right now- I'm on a mission. When I left out the gym, I was stopped by the attendant, Summer. She's a young, collegiate-looking sista with more creole features than an extra from Eve's Bayou. I didn't think she would remember me since I hadn't been in the gym since the holidays...but she did. "Good evening. Haven't seen you in a while," she said. "Yeah, I've been out of town for the holidays- you know how it is." "So you haven't been working out with Miss Montgomery?" "I've been working out on my own," I replied. "Since I couldn't make it in here." As I finished that sentence, my mind flashbacked to a perspiring Simone laying up in my bed, panting, saying 'who needs a gym' - referring to the workout she and I...well, you get the point. "Oh, Miss Montgomery is gonna be waiting for you," Summer chided like I was a schoolboy in trouble with the principal. "You gonna be hurt'n when she gets a hold of you." "Yeah, whatever," I laughed and walked out the door. Today, I went to the gym on my lunch hour to see Miss Montgomery. I just wanted her to know that I had been out, but I'm ready to get back on my regimen. She gave me this warm, wide smile as I walked into the building....saddistic witch. "Welcome back," she shouts. "Good to be back." "You ready to do the damn thing?" "As soon as I go change," I answered. "I'll be right here." I went in the locker room and changed into my sweats. I knew that today was gonna be hard, but I need Montgomery for the motivation...at least until the Spring. I won't push myself the way she does. However, since I haven't been in the gym in a couple of weeks, I'm sure she'll take it easy on me. WTFever.

25 minutes on the ClimbMax (aka the Stairmaster from Hell)
25 minutes on the PedMax (aka the Treadmill from Hell)
30 minutes of strength training on chest, arms & shoulders (aka make Fave's chest explode)

The cardio settings were horrendous and the weights were set to "car engine" lbs. During the workout, I had drank over a gallon of water (4.5 quarts) and I was STILL THIRSTY! By the time it was over, I could walk but I couldn't feel my legs.

"You're floating," she said with a smile.

Whatever, scank - I'm sore!

I went into the shower and couldn't even wash under my arms, they were so tight. I managed to get soap under there and the rest of my body. I put my clothes back on, cried as I combed my hair and walked out without even saying goodbye. I didn't mean to be rude, but that's just the relationship Montgomery and I have grown to have: I love to hate her, but in the end- she's gonna have me looking right.

I went next door to the buffet and got a huge salad, green beans, broccoli and grilled tilapia. I don't know how I made it back to work, but I did and I'm still here. I was gonna go back to a 15-minute ab workout class tonight, but I gotta finish a project up @ home plus I got to get up early in the morning. I feel fine now, but I'm still pissed @ ol' girl for today.

Until next time...that's what's up.

drug-free ecstasy, uno cards and ms.pac-man

2005-01-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

Simone and I drove through 3 foot snow drifts, biting winds and salt eroded highways. As the the hours passed, the snow decreased and the temperature rose. By nitefall, the grass was green again and the biting chill transformed into a nippy chill. We had spent nearly 12 hours in a vehicle together. Road trips are a great way to get to know a person, but in this case-- our road trip was a minor miracle. Simone hates driving/riding in a car for long periods of time. We once drove 4 hours and we barely made it out of the first city. That was six months ago. Since then, we've grown more than ever and this trip was not only palatable, but actually pleasurable. We joked, laughed, listened to music and made hella bathroom stops. I knew that Simone was sleepy, but she stayed awake the entire time and kept me company. She even drove approx. 160 of the 726 miles we trekked that day. I cannot count the number of trips I've taken over the years with family, college buddies, band members, etc. - but this was the best road trip I've ever had. Simone spent the past week with me and, although she just left two days ago, I miss her already. I enjoyed her presence in my new home so much - waking up to her warm, soft body every morning. A couple of times, I would wake up @ 4 or 5am and just look @ her sleep while thanking GOD for giving her to me at last. Then, I'd kiss her on the forehead and whisper "I love you" so only her subconscious could hear me. Every morning (not sporadically, but every morning from Monday-Saturday), I woke up and cooked breakfast for her before going to work: grits, scrambled eggs w/cheese, bacon/sausage and homemade biscuits. Since I didn't know when she would get up, I'd wrap each food item individually in foil and leave a note on top of each covered plate to label what it was. Last week @ work was very lackadaisical, so I usually came home before noon and spent the rest of my afternoon and evening with the woman of my dreams. Simone is the woman of my dreams-- I look @ her and I see her beauty, her flaws, her everything...and I want them ALL. I may sound "extra" right now, but just recanting the past week on this blog is surging my soul with so much love and energy (I know, I know...PUKE!). The ring finally showed up. It came the day I took Simone to the office with me. The ring is nice, but more importantly, it represents a promise I made to her and myself. It is a promise to be faithful, listen, love and laugh with her throughout the course of our relationship. It is a symbol of my actions moreso than my words and I just hope to live up to that promise daily. Leave it to Simone to want a "signed copy" of the promise, but I didn't mind. I love her. We went out to eat...a LOT. I cooked dinner a couple of nites, but we did double duty @ O'Charley's as well as Moe's Southwest Grill (gotta love that Close Talker). Some of the at-home delicacies included fried plaintains, baked chicken, macaroni & cheese and cornbread dressing. She baked the most amazing chocolate chip cookies and served them over chocolate ice cream. Needless to say, we didn't go hungry and I know that World Gym & Miss Montgomery can't wait to see me (lol). There are two things I have never done that Simone exposed me to this past week. I never mentioned my deficiencies in the past because I didn't want my black ghetto pass revoked. But now that I've done it, I'm safe. *sigh and clear my throat* I had NEVER seen The Color Purple nor had I ever played a game of UNO. Simone brought TCP on DVD and a brand new deck of UNO cards. We played cards and, to make it interesting, wagered various favors as an incentive. One would argue that I lost and/or won on purpose. When we got tired of UNO, we played some throwback Ms.PacMan on my little portable NAMCO game system. It seemed harder than it did 20 years ago, but we competed for bragging rights. It was a break from our serious lives and situations. Simone and I didn't know each other as kids or even teenagers (really), so it was refreshing to do mindless activities in the name of fun. It was also inexplicably breath-taking to do activities reserved for adults as well, but that's nobody's business but ours ;) New Year's Eve was uneventful. My past NYE experiences range from haning out @ church watch services to playing full throttle with a band inside a smoke-filled lounge. This year was the best NYE I've ever had. It was 11:59pm and we paused TCP movie to switch back to the television. Simone had sat on the floor between my legs so that I could scratch her itchy scalp. By midnight, my eyes were closed and my lips were pressed against hers. No party. No confetti. No music. Just me. Just her. Just love. Simone flew back home on Sunday and I drove back in my car that still had her coat in the backseat. I came home to an apartment that still smelled like her. Not that familiar cucumber-melon scent...my place smells like HER. She decorated my bathroom, so every morning when I get ready for work - I can think about her. Despite all the lovey-dovey elements within this post, I still know that the best way to enjoy these moments are one day @ a time. It is my prayer that we make this work and I see a future with Simone. It's still a daily process. I plan to spend each day loving her more than I did the day before.

39 chambers

2005-01-03T10:02:00.000-06:00

I was gonna do a 2004 recap, but everybody does that. I was cruising the blogworld when I came across this little list from Niza by way of her favorite blogger. I think this will be sufficient: End of Year Countdown 001. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before? Performed with my own band. 002. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make any resolutions. I just did the dayum thing. 003. Did anyone close to you give birth? No. It was an "empty uterus" year. 004. Did anyone close to you die? Yes. One of my co-workers, who was one of the few brothers in the office, died unexpectedly in mid-January. He was only 46 and died in his sleep. 005. What countries did you visit? None. I actually stayed in the country this year (lol). With all the stuff going on...world travel isn't exactly on my critical to-do list. 006. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Stability and consistency from a financial and emotional perspective. 007. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January, 2004--the first year anniversary of a open mic poetry night I co-founded. We had a black party in celebration of this cultural movement in a not-so cultural town. May, 2004--the day Simone's divorce was final. Despite the romantic love, I was there as a friend to help process the anger/hurt. I discovered how much she meant to me that day. August, 2004--the day I was offered a job @ one of the most creative companies in the world. December, 2004--spending Christmas with my son and Simone. 008. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Believe it or not, my biggest acheivement was NOT becoming a marketing exec for a great company...it was when I was gainfully unemployed and I led my own jazz/funk band--playing gigs 3-4 nights a week in order to pay my bills. 009. What was your biggest failure? Not making things work in the town where I resided. I just couldn't fit into the subculture-- constantly being told my thinking was "too big" for the town and my talents had pretty much reached a creative ceiling. People loved me and hated me. I was popular and well-known throughout the community, but I was struggling to pay rent because I was overqualified for dayum near every job in town. I eventually had to move out of my apartment and out of town. It was my biggest failure which lead me to a much bigger blessing. 010. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes. I was in an auto accident in November while travelling in New York. I wasn't as serious as it could have been, so I thank GOD for that. The cab was totaled, but I walked away. 011. What was the best thing you bought? A new pair of eyeglasses (a brother's going blind!) 012. Whose behavior merited celebration? My son. Who loves me and understands that I got his back even though his mother and I are not together. 013. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed disgusted? My own. I went through a lot of emotional turmoil due to my job/living/moving situation and Simone. 014. Where did most of your money go? Child support and bills. 015. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Simone finally becoming my girlfriend with no distractions. 016. What song will always remind you of 2004? "Nothing in the World" written by me. 017. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) Happier or Sadder? Hella happier. b) Thinner or Fatter? Fatter, but I'm working on it. c) Richer or Poorer? Hella richer, but not just in monetary value. 018. What do you wish you’d done more of? Letting unproductive people and situations go! 019. What do you wish you’d done less of? Crying. 020. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Sitting in my new bedroom scratching Simone's scalp and watching television. 021. Did you fall in love in 2004? Yes. It started in '03, but it became real love this year. 022. How many one-night stands? None. 023. What was your favorite TV program? Chappelle's Show...hands down. 024. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I can't hate anyone...that destroys me. 025. What was the best book you read? Naughty or Nice by Eric Jerome Dickey. 026. What was your greatest musical discovery? Deborah Bond...very grown & sexy. 027. What did you want and get? XM Radio, baby. 028. What did you want and not get? A moving truck of Simone's clothes and belongings parked in front of my apartment. 029. What was your favorite film of this year? Ray...I'm a fan of music and Eric Bishop. 030. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to the MidAtlantic and hung out with a fellow blogger. We went on a lunch cruise that afternoon and went to see Def Poetry Jam @ the Hippodrome. That night, we went to a nice seafood spot where I had stuffed lobster tail. 031.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying? Not having to go through so much transition in my living arrangement, job, etc. 032. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Boyz II Men meets the Billionaire Boys Club meets Designer jeans. 033. What kept you sane? My son. 034. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Floetry. 035. What political issue stirred you the most? The presidential election. 036. Who did you miss? My son. 038. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004. If you want someone to give their all, you may have to give your all. 039. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "And though love sometimes hurts/I still put you first/And we'll make the things work" from Ordinary People by John Legend.

this christmas III

2005-01-02T20:53:00.000-06:00

I closed my eyes to shut out the vision of his weapon of Fave's destruction. The darkness suddenly turned to images of my family, Simone, the places I've traveled and experiences I've had. My life was flashing before my eyes and I got a subconscious view of what mattered most to me...my family. Simone. That was my confirmation. When I opened my eyes, the gun was gone. Brandon was gone. My hands were on the steering wheel. Snow fell on the windshield rapidly. If it wasn't for the wiper blades, I wouldn't have seen the light change from red to green. The cellphone earpiece was in my ear and Simone's voice resonated in my head. My thoughts of what could happen (i.e,. this christmas II) cruised past my mind in the moment it took the light to change. So let's get back to reality... 12.25.04 "I think I'm just gonna go to the hotel, Simone." "Are you coming over at all?" "I'll have to think about it. I don't want no shyt...forreal." "Do you think I would allow drama around my family? "No, I just..." "Just call me and let me know what you plan to do." we hang up. I went to the hotel first and got settled. My first stop was to my paternal grandmother's house. There are 12 children and 51 grandchildren as a result of this lady's marriage to my late grandfather; needless to say the house was crawling with every stereotypical black relative you can think of: from the drunk uncle to the mustache-weilding aunt to the ghetto fab cousin. I didn't stay long, but I was glad I got to see my grandmother. I called Simone and told her that I was on my way. I could hear her smiling over the phone from my decision. If Brandon showed up, he just showed up. I was invited and I just had to trust Simone wasn't opening me (and her) up to some snow-covered bullshyt. In 30 minutes of slush/snow driven travel...I'm @ the home of Nora and Tyler Harris. Nora is Simone's older sister. The house is a two-level home with a pool table, big screen TV and a dining room set that would make Emily Post cream in her panties...ah, to be blessed. Everyone has eaten and are just sitting around the dinner table: Simone's mom, Nora, Simone, Cousin Andrew and a few youthful cousins sprinkled around the second floor with laughter. Everyone is very receptive and warm; I even joked around with them as if I had been a part of the family for years. Simone's mom, aka Miss Naomi, wasn't going to allow me to leave with her daughter until I sang a song for her. After much persuasion and in-house stalking, I found myself sitting @ the piano in Nora's prayer room with Miss Naomi, Simone, Nora and Cousin Andrew on a baby guitar. I played and sang to Miss Naomi's satisfaction. I didn't mind. As I played, I thought about the handful of conversations I shared with Simone's mom. She's heard me profess my love for her daughter, she's heard me weep in lamentation over her youngest child. She has given me comfort through prayer and scriptures and simple, motherly encouragement. A song was the least I could do for her. When my performance concluded, Miss Naomi rewarded me with a giant hug and a warm kiss on the cheek. Simone and I left her sister's house and we spent Christmas nite together in my hotel room. We exchanged gifts and eventually went to sleep in each other's arms (clearly, I'm leaving out the TMI elements). She loved her broken heart charm that had our names on it and she absolutely adored the cucumber-melon bath set from Bath & Body Works. I was still angry about not having the main gift, but she didn't mind. Simone was so understanding. I was overwhelmed by my gifts because she fooled me into thinking that I was not getting the XM Radio I've craved for months. In addition to the newest media trend, I got a radar detector (for my constant road travels) and the latest fragrance from Bvlgari. I loved my material presents; but to sleep with Simone in my arms on that cozy, December night was the greatest gift I could have gotten. Yes, I've had my fair share of women and experiences, but I am convinced that I'm inexplicably, irreversably in love with this woman each time we're together. Simone is my heart's joy and, despite all that we've been through, we were able to spend the holidays together and this was just the beginning. The next morning, we began our 12-hour drive out of the blizzard and into the warmth of the dirty south... And that's what's up.

on the way

2005-01-02T18:26:00.000-06:00

Simone went back today, I'm sad. I have so much to blog about and so little time. It's coming, I promise. Nevertheless, I plan to finish the story. Clearly, things worked about because I'm not dead...and neither is he. Be back later...until then, that's what's up...

this christmas II

2004-12-29T10:30:00.000-06:00

12.25.04 (early evening) I'm @ the home of Nora and Tyler Harris. Nora is Simone's sister. The house is a two-level home with a pool table, big screen TV and a dining room set that would make Emily Post cream in her panties...ah, to be blessed. Everyone has eaten and are just sitting around the dinner table: Simone's mom, Nora, Simone, Cousin Andrew and a few youthful cousins sprinkled around the second floor with laughter. Everyone is very receptive and warm; I even joked around with them as if I had been a part of the family for years. Brandon walked in. His wiry frame is bulked up through the aid of a winter coat and scarf. In his left hand was a gift he brought for Simone-- in his right hand was his keys. A wave of tension whirled through the air like a underlying tsunami as Simone's family spoke and wished him a Merry Christmas. His eyes were fixed on me. "So that's the out-of-state tags," he said- referring to the license plate on my car. "So you've just made yourself comfortable with my family, huh?" I smirked, but my body tensed in preparation for whatever this little man had in store for me. Love can make you do some stupid things and I can only imagine what thoughts ran through his mind when he saw his former wife and her current lover amongst his ex-family. He cheated on her, constantly lied and took her for granted. Hell, he didn't want her. But that didn't mean anything at this moment. Brandon's eyes shrunk behind his glasses as he focused on my sitting next to Simone. "This is my family, Brandon," interjected Simone. "And although you are welcome here, there will be no drama...none." He chuckled as if her words meant nothing, "So I'm supposed to just accept what I'm seeing right now?" "You don't have a choice. You didn't have to come." "Neither did he. He could've kept his ass in the..." "He is who I'm with, Brandon. And honestly, who I'm with is none of your business," she snapped. At this point, I had to say something. I stood up and walked towards Brandon. I refused to be intimidated. Not that size matters, but I'm at least 3-4 inches taller and 100 pounds heavier. I will not be intimidated. I really felt for him as a man and I understood that this situation was hard...but it's here. "Look man, it's Christmas. Don't nobody want no drama," I said. "Fuck you," he murmured just loud enough so only I heard him. "If it wasn't for you, I'd still have my wife." "No, if you weren't such a lousy husband, you'd still have your wife. I never came between you two. Never disrespected your marriage. I never told her to leave you. You two were separated before she and I even started talking again." "Bullshit," he replied. "Believe what you want." We stood there about three feet from each other. His eyes never moved. Neither one of us wanted to back down. The rest of the family sat in anticipation. Simone stood at the table. "You sang at our wedding...as she walked down the ailse." That was supposed to make me feel bad. It didn't. The truth of the matter is Simone and I were just friends when she asked me to sing @ their wedding. She and I went out on a date four years prior and barely kept in contact in the interim. We never even held hands. We were innocent, platonic friends. When Simone re-entered my life in 2003, they were already separated and filing for divorce. I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship. Yes, I sang at their wedding...so dayum what? I sighed,"So what do you want, Brandon?" For months, I heard about how Brandon wanted to cause all this bodily harm to me. He had no regards for his marriage, he made the divorce a drawn-out battle, he told her to get out of HIS house he wouldn't even have if it wasn't for HER efforts. All I did was be a friend and somewhere along the way, Simone and I fell in love. It was AFTER her marriage had already taking a turn for the worst. But I'm the one he wants to harm? Sounds like displaced anger to me. Brandon puts his right hand in his coat pocket, as if he was putting away his keys. He drops Simone's present to the floor. "I want you you die," he whispered as his right hand replaced his keys with a Beretta Cougar L. Merry Christmas.

this christmas

2004-12-28T10:26:00.000-06:00

12.24.04 I hopped in my car and drove 8.5 hours from the brisk, southern air to the frozen, snowy landscape of the Midwest. I talked to Simone a few times during my drive. I promised my son that I'd be there on Christmas Eve and you should never break a promise to a kid; especially a child who loves you as much as my son loves me. The fact that his mother and I are friends helps the situation even more. I arrived @ their home and was immediately smothered in hugs and screams by my exuberant 7-year old. I walked into the kitchen where his mother was baking cookies and squeezing the fat out of a hamburger patty using her George Foreman grill. We talked briefly about my drive, her plans for tomorrow, etc. She and my son where going to church early in the morning-- which would give me time to set up his computer in his room. Meanwhile, my son and I watched television while his mother talked on the phone. My son understands that his mother and I will never be together, but I think it is good for him to see that she and I do get along. She has always been a "laid back" person, so there's never been any typical "baby mama drama." We communicate. She gets money for him. I play an active role in his life. So why trip, y'know? After my son went to sleep, I went to the car and brought in the presents from my parents and put them under the tree. it was dayum near midnight. I told his mom that I'd be back around 7am to set up his compuer while they were @ church. I went to the Days Inn and crashed for a few hours (it seemed like it was 30 minutes) before returning back to my son's home. His mother always offers to let me crash on her couch-- but the small investment in a cheap hotel is well worth it in keeping down confusion. 12.25.04 I came back @ the aforementioned time and put his computer together while he and his mom went to early morning service. When he came back, his little eyes were just beaming. We loaded some games on it (i.e., learning games, sports, etc.) and then he played with some of his other gifts (e.g., DVD player, G.I. Joe, etc.). We hung out for a few hours until his mother was ready to go "family house hopping"-- which is something I just don't do with her. I got back on the road. Three more hours. More snow. More ice. Hot air is blaring from the dashboard as I listen to a mixtape CD and sip on some bottled water. Simone called to get my location and she seemed pretty happy to hear that I was en route to her town (aka my hometown). The plan was for me to come to her sister's house and meet the family again for the first time. Meeting her family was a big deal, considering the last time they saw me, I was singing @ Simone's wedding. Her mother and I have had some good conversations over the past year, but it's nothing like meeting the family. That is, until something stops you dead in your tracks. I'm about 45 minutes away from my final destination and I'm on my cellphone with Simone. "I'm almost there, sweetie. Do you want me to just go to the hotel, first?" "Sure," she responds, "and just so you know, Brandon might be coming by my sister's house." "Really?" "Yea. But you're still more than welcome to come over." Brandon is Simone's ex-husband. I'll finish this up later, I gotta get some work done.

holla holla holla

2004-12-27T09:33:00.000-06:00

Holidays were phenomenal...and it's not over yet! There's so much I want to write, but I honestly do not have time. I came to work and, the one door I cannot open, is locked. The parking lot is a ghost town and even my dentist appointment was cancelled today. I'm going back home. In short, I spent time with my son, saw my paternal relatives, met Simone's family (again) for the first time and had a "natural" experience that changed the landscape of me and Simone's relationship for the better. She and I drove 12 hours yesterday from the Midwest to the Dirty South and didn't argue once. Even the most passionate of couples couldn't pull off multiple hours in close quarters without somebody snapping. We had fun all the way and I can't remember a time in my life where I've been happier. Happiness...I almost forgot what it felt like. Plus, I acquired the coveted XM Radio for Christmas...I can't stop cheesing :D Simone is here with me in my own place. As I type these words, she slumbers in my brand new bed. I have her all to myself for an entire week and we plan to have fun sharing, laughing, bonding and being in love. I love that woman beyond measure...sometimes it's uncanny. Okay, lemme get out of the clouds because I just saw one of the cherubs of love float by in some Timberlands and Sean John wings. No one's here @ the office, so I'm going to go wash the winter salt off my car and head back to my place to prepare breakfast for the only woman I'll ever love. But don't get it twisted, I have tons more to say...until next time. That's what's up.

the number of completion

2004-12-24T01:31:00.000-06:00

This concept was derived from something I read on Xquizzyt's blog, who got it from Fran and has made cameos on Rhapsodi and Lisa's blog. I think I'm the first guy to do it. At first, I didn't feel as though the concept could apply to me. Then I thought about all the things I want to say to certain people and how time/geographical proximity won't permit me to say these things to their face. Nevertheless, I have seven (7) things I want to say to seven different individuals on here that I haven't said to their face. I hope I get the opportunity to do so one day. 07. I think about you and my heart gets heavy. I look back at the last ten years of my life and then I think about how those 10 years were stolen from you. You're still alive, but you're not living. You don't deserve to be where you are. You didn't do anything, but a black man + a white corpse + the State of Iowa = life without parole. I always ask about you, but I'm sorry I never wrote you. I guess I was in denial. All I see, when I think about you, is that laughter. Man, we used to clown back in high school. Now you're in a dayum cage and it doesn't make sense to me. From what I hear, you're doing alright and that's a blessing. I promise in '05, I'm gonna write you myself instead of asking about you. We are going to stay connected and you are going to stay in prayers. In the interim, stay up and be encouraged. I haven't forgotten about you. 06. I wish I never met you. Not in a "Carl Thomas" sort of way, but in a "When Ike met Tina" sort of way. I wish I had more knowledge of candles back then, so that I wouldn't have had to ask you anything about them. You have done nothing but fill my life with drama followed by immediate empty apologies. I tried to understand you and keep our relationship cordial, but you chose to act like a no-class, ghettofab hoodrat. I sincerely hope you get your life together and that you continue to stay out of mine. I acted like I didn't care about your antics, but they really affected me at the time. I've never had to file police reports or get restraining orders before you. You are the ultimate drama-ghetto queen and I pray you stay far, far away from my life. I was honest from jumpstreet and I didn't deserve any of the crazy shyt you tried to do to me. You need to thank GOD that I don't and will never hit a woman, because if I did...you would have been the #1 candidate for a Fave beatdown. 05. You are my brother. Even when we're far apart, we always seem to pick up where we left off when we talk. It's going on 20 years and I still consider you my best friend. Our lives have taken totally opposite paths, but we never judge one another. I can count on you to make me laugh and keep it real...two very important attributes of a friend. You are the one who introduced me to writing when you got me that journal in '89 and challenged me to write poems and short stories that evolved into stageplays and novels over the years. Out of the crew of five (5), we were the tightest and we still are. From childhood to adulthood to fatherhood, you've been there via visits, phone calls, emails and IMs...whatever it takes. I'm very blessed to have a friend like you in my life. 04. Maybe in another lifetime, we would have worked. You knew the deal from the start and you still took a chance..and I let you. You love the same way I love...head first. Too bad we didn't love each other. When I told you that I was through with her, I was lying. When I said that I didn't love her anymore, I was lying. You knew I was lying-- you even tried to push away. But those late night phone calls, those IMs...they seemed so real. It was curiousity, intrique and the taboo of falling for someone through the internet. You told me in the beginning that you didn't want to be the "rebound chick" and you became that anyway. I apologize for my part in our demise. Although I don't appreciate the one-sidedness of your blog...it's YOUR blog. As long as that shyt stays on your side of the fence, I have no problems. I wish you the best in your quest for happiness. Despite our ill fated experience, I still encourage you to believe in love...it's out there. 03. Thank you for being my mentor. I learned so much from you about business, building relationships and the importance of recognizing my own gifts. You believed in me sometimes more than I did. I used to hate the way you pushed me to improve myself; it was like there was always some next level to achieve. Sometimes, I didn't understand your philosophies and I honestly thought you were just being an ass. Now, more times than I care to admit, your thought processes and lessons help me in my day to day interaction in Corporate America. Our mentor/mentee relationship took me from the streets of Chicago to the loft studios of Atlanta to the warm sun of South Central Los Angeles. I got an opportunity to learn from some of the industry's unspoken superstars through my friendship with you. I have a wealth of knowledge, inspiration and wisdom through my experiences with you. I thank GOD for those experiences and putting you in my life the way He did. I wish we were tighter now, but life goes on and I'll always appreciate what you did for me. 02. I miss you. Hearing your voice tugs @ my heart with each syllable. I want to know how you're doing, what you're learning and if you miss me. So many of women's problems originate from the type of relationship (or lack thereof) you and I are building right now. I know my mother doesn't want to accept you right now, but she has her own issues. It has nothing to do with you. There's nothing wrong with you. I love you very much and that's all that matters. I've been with you since Day One and it is my prayer that anger, pain and frustration doesn't taint our relationship more than it already has. I want to be more than money to you. You probably won't remember the nights we'd stare into the mirror headboard and just look @ each other...smiling and giggling. You are so beautiful to me, baby. I'm preparing a home for you as we speak. A home full of stability, love, consistency and peace. There will be nothing but people who love you waiting for you here. Whenever you need me or want me...daddy will be right here. I promise. 01. You are the woman I prayed for every night of my adult life. I knew back in '98 that I could reach my full potential with you by my side. But pride is a bytch and we wasted some precious years...years we can't get back. Watching you march down that ailse tore me apart with every step; but I was able to hide it with my voice...my music...my song. You are my heart's joy and my soul's warmth. There's nothing I won't do for you. I'm willing to forsake everything and everyone for you. I'd die for you. I want us to have a future that is honest, real and incredible. You are the only woman I will ever love and no other man will even come close to loving you the way I do. If you don't believe me, just stay with me and I'll prove it everyday of my life.

calm down

2004-12-23T22:55:00.000-06:00

The package never came. I went to the front gate and talked to the recieving clerk. She said that DHL ran, but there was nothing for me. I had her walk out of the warm, cozy security tower (think of the little box Craig and Day-Day were in on Friday After Next) into the 20-degree windy night so we could doublecheck the storage room. No package. Then she suggested I call the route delivery clerk (back in the building I had just left) to see if it came there. She gave me false hope. I called him and he said that there was nothing there with my name on it. I'm more hurt than I am pissed. This was the most significant gift-- the one I ordered before anything else. And now it is the only gift I don't have in my possession. I called Barbara and, naturally, she was unavailable. I left a very angry, yet professional voicemail citing my dissatisfaction and demanding my money back...all of it. I was livid, pissed, mad, frustrated and just about any other adjective you could think of to describe anger. I hung around all day for nothing and now I have to drive 90 minutes in the dark thanks to Barbara, the non-promise keeping b***h who has ruined my chances of seeing Simone's face glow with happiness as she opened my gift. While driving home, Simone called me on my cell and I told her what happened. Under normal circumstances, I usually vent and rant to the point where you can't do anything but listen. I calm down when I'm ready to calm down. No one can take me off the anger high once I start smoking those leaves of lamentation. But Simone did. She reminded me that I still had two (2) other gifts waiting for her in my possession. She reminded me that on tomorrow, I'll be with my son who adores me. Simone reminded me that in 48 hours, she will be in my arms and that's all that matters...not some gift. I calmed down @ the sound of her voice. It was a first. Usually I have to just come down on my own, but she calmed me down. She redirected my anger to positive thoughts. This may seem unsignificant to the average person, but that's major for me. Simone turned her "favorite nitemare" into a "pleasant daydream" and that's hard to do. Thanks, sweetheart. I'm @ my parents' house and they are getting my son's presents together so I can leave in the morning without delay. It's supposed to be cold in the Midwest, but I'm ready. I got my scarf, gloves and a full tank of gas. Let's do the dayum thing.

free your mind

2004-12-23T18:05:00.000-06:00

The past 24 hours has been interesting. The mattress delivery guys were supposed to be @ my place yesterday between 4pm and 6pm. You know how that usually goes...they show up @ 5:59.59...but not this time. I was driving home when the brothers called me on my cell asking which apartment was mine. I looked down @ the dash. It was 4:08pm. Much respect to the two brothers who delivered my mattress in a timely manner in the pouring rain, I appreciate it. After they dropped off the mattress, I went to the store to get a few last minute items. When I returned home, I sat in front of the TV (yes, Mr.I Never Watch Television was in front of the tube) and watched Wife Swap with Simone via cell phone. This is something I would have NEVER done just a year ago. I'm opening up to the fact that Simone likes to watch TV and there's nothing wrong with that. After being babysat by the tube as a youth and working in radio for 4 years, I had become numb to television. I can't front, I really enjoyed watching that show with Simone in my ear-- just laughing and enjoying the aspects of the show. Not too long after the show went off, Simone suggested I get a good night's rest on my new bed. I had made it up (e.g., put on two mattress pads, sheets, comforter, etc.), but I still wasn't convinced that shelling out 4 bills on a mattress was a sound investment. I was wrong. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM. That bed is the TRUTH! I haven't slept that good in years! Plus, I didn't have to get up early because I was off today. It was off the rip. The only thing that comes close to the comfort of this mattress is the Heavenly Bed @ the Westin Hotel...and even they need to add goose-down pillows and comforters to be on point. I can honestly say it was money well spent. Today, I cleaned up my apartment and threw away boxes while watching "The Brothers" on DVD. The engraving company I commissioned to complete one of Simone's Christmas gifts called and said that it would be ready by 2pm, so I didn't rush my day @ all. Meanwhile, I kept calling the office to find out if my package had arrived. It hadn't. I called Barbara to find out how she shipped it. She told me it was shipped DHL. I know for a fact that DHL doesn't come until 4:45pm, so I finished up all my tasks in order to stop by the office, pick it up and hit the highway towards my parents' house. I get to the office @ 4:53pm. DHL has come and gone. No package. I'm pissed even more than I was yesterday. Henry is gone for the day. The receptionist is gone. Jessica was leaving when I walked up to my office and she hadn't seen anything. My only hope is to stop by the front gate on my way out and see if they left it there. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do. It's 6 o'clock. *sigh* Time to get out of here and head to the front gate. No matter what happens, I gotta get on the road...

the official fugg fave day observance

2004-12-22T15:08:00.000-06:00

The O.F.F.D.O. is brought to you by: Barbara, the "poor-excuse-for-customer-service" rep Barbara: Hello, this is Barbara. Fave: Yes, I was calling about my order. This is my fourth time calling. Barbara: Ah yes! Lemme pull up that screen...what's the order number? Fave: *rambles off some 17-digit number* Barbara: *pause* Oh, this should have gone out already. Fave: (agitated tone) Y'think? It was scheduled to arrive between 12/13 and 12/17. Barbara: I see. Lemme pull up some info and call you back in 15 minutes. Fave: *sigh* Lemme give you my number again. In case your dumbass couldn't remember from the last 3 times I've called. Barbara: Okay, I'll call you back in about 15 minutes... We hang up. An hour has passed since this conversation and no word from Barbara. Prior to beginning this post, I have called and left a very stern message on her voicemail. Right before typing this paragraph, I called again and she answered. Barbara: Hi. Fave: Hello. Barbara: I was just about to call you. Just lemme wrap up this other customer. I'll call you righ... Fave: Thank you. I hang up. I didn't hesitate sending them my money, they shouldn't hesitate calling me back. This is just a pissy business transaction and please believe I will never do business with them again... The O.F.F.D.O. is also sponsored in part by: Simone, the "I-don't-care-what-kind-of-day-you're-having" girlfriend I'm on the phone with Barbara (see above conversation) and Simone calls. I click over. Simone: Hey, what are you doing? Fave: *frantically* Working...hu..hold on..*place her on hold* Simone hangs up immediately. After my first conversation with Barbara, I called Simone back. I admit that I wasn't in the best of moods and Simone can be very spoiled @ times. Both dispositions don't mix well. Fave: Okay, I'm back. Simone: What's wrong with you? Fave: Nothing, I...*line 2 buzzes* I'll call you back. I hang up. I knew that is was one of my colleagues calling to give me the sand I needed to put out a major fire that had to be resolved prior to my leaving the building. While I'm on the phone with him, I get an email from Simone. The grammar was off, so I didn't understand it: "I'm not sure what the problem if there is nothing I can do to help please don't call me until it is worked out. Thanks!" In other words, don't call her. I wrote her back and told her that I didn't understand her email, but I won't bother her. She writes me back saying that she was on the phone when she typed it and that she wasn't going to expect a call from me. So, on top of her having an attitude, I STILL don't know what she meant by her original email. That's just f**king great. She calls me back. Simone: What is wro.. Fave: Nothing. I still don't know what your email means. I asked you to hold on and you hung up. Simone: I didn't know what happened, so I just hung up. Fave: I said hold on. Simone: I didn't hear you. Fave: Okay. *sigh* Simone: *imitating me* I'll call you back...click...I gotta go...click. That's just rude. I know where this is going. Fave: I apologize for coming off rude. Simone: Fine. That's all I wanted. Fine? Now you're fine? All you wanted was for me to bow down and apologize for some shyt you often do when you're multitasking in the office. Because YOU felt I was rude; even though you do the same thing under the same circumstances. Then you conveniently hide behind the "let's stop going back and forth" defense which works great for you when you're being a dayum hypocrite! Look, there is nothing I won't do for Simone. I'm just having a hard day with last minute projects, deadlines, customer service a$$wipes and rushing so I don't miss my mattress date. Does she ask me what's going on? No. She just wants HER apology. Well, she got it and it was actually sincere despite the fact that I've never asked for an apology when I knew she was stressed and got off the phone abruptly. I understood. I guess it's my job to understand and her job to be spoiled. I hope you enjoyed your apology, Simone. And if you think I'm blowing this waaaaay out of proportion...you're right. Sue me. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I've been sleeping on the floor all week. I'm worried I won't get YOUR primary Christmas gift on time. And even in the midst of my frustration and anger...I love you, but this is just how I feel right now. Am I talking to her or is this just a blog? The line is blurred right now, so what... As I'm typing the above paragraphs (this is a realtime blog entry!), Barbara called back. Barbara: Hello, sir? Fave: Yes. Barbara: This is Barbara. Fave: Yep. What's going on? Barbara: We can't seem to track your order. Here's where profanity is accepted in all continuing rhetoric. I take a deep breath, to commence the verbal lacerations. I'm stopped by her nasal, MidAtlantic venacular. Barbara: So I'm overnighting you another one. You'll get it in morning, okay? Thank you.

mixed emotions

2004-12-22T13:08:00.000-06:00

I am flattered, happy and extremely pissed all @ the same time. How, you might ask? Well, I've been sitting @ my desk simply reading blogs and waiting for Henry, the shipping/recieving guy, to come upstairs with my packages for the day. My colleague bought me a brand new box-cutter on Monday, so I've been slicing and dicing through packages for the past 48 hours-- waiting for the next batch of boxes courtesy of Henry. Allow me to get into the emotions @ this point: I'm flattered because I received a substantially-large package from one of my radio reps in Memphis. It was my own personal Christmas gift that I was not expecting. This package has Starbucks coffee pack as well as a matching thermal mug to keep in my car. I am ecstatic about my new mug and I am a serious fan of Starbucks! Thanks Jenny for such a considerate gift! I'm happy because, in addition to the coffee and the mug, there's also a small gift bag full of minature Reese's cups. Anyone who knows me, knows that I will pass up sex for Reese cup (maybe that's a little extreme, but you get the point). This was the coup de gras of the package. I'm extremely pissed because, despite the generosity of my Memphis radio rep, I did NOT recieve the package I have been waiting for since last week! Here it is, three (3) days before Christmas and this package was supposed to be here no later than December 17th! I have ordered TONS of stuff through eBay, BAM, etc. AFTER ordering this package, and those things have come in while this package has not with no real ETA. The package I'm referring to is Simone's Christmas gift. Sure, I got her some other ancillary items- but this is the one I have been waiting for and I'm officially pissed off to the highest level of pisstivity! So now I have to get on the phone and be an a$$hole to their customer service and/or shipping department while eating a Reese cup and sniffing the Starbucks...

pumpkilunky

2004-12-22T11:37:00.000-06:00

There's really nothing for me to do here @ the office. The weather is balmy, to say the least, and it's drizzling outside my window. My office is a mess, but I don't feel like cleaning up. I've save that for the 27th aka "Company-wide Clean Your Nasty Office Day." I have a dentist appointment that day as well, so I'm sure I'll be in the cleaning mood. I can tell I'm bored because I'm taking pictures of my desk and posting them-- how pathetic. They should have never given me a camera phone (lol)! It does come in handy at times. I was in Wally World emailing Simone pictures of different things I was considering for my apartment (i.e., shower curtains, TV stands, etc.) and she was able to give me her recommendations. It was like we were shopping together even though we're approximately 726 miles from each other. I'm waiting on a package from the front gate, so I guess I'll just chill 'til it arrives. Meanwhile, Simone has come up with this punk-a$$ petname for me that needs to be abolished immediately: Pumpkilunky. It sounds like a vegetable virus you get from screwing pumpkins @ midnight in a cemetary. I don't know what a good pet name could be for me, but that one is definitely out of the question.

rest easy

2004-12-21T16:31:00.000-06:00

I'm not cheap, but I am a firm believer in "percieved value." I have spent my adult life watching people pay big bucks for things that I know cost next to nothing to produce. Ah, the joys of marketing as a function of this capitalistic society we will live in. Anyway, back to the matter at hand: Perceived Value as it Relates 2 Fave Example: I will buy Great Value Instant Grits, but I must have Arm&Hammer baking soda. Example: I'd rather buy non-designer jeans, but I must have designer shirts. It's not about how much it costs as much as how much it means to me. Which brings me to the subject of mattresses. I don't sleep half the time anyway. For the past two (2) months, I'd say 75% of my sleeptime has been within the confines of Hilton Suites, Holiday or Hampton Inn (and let's not forget about the nastiness that is Inn South). I don't have a high perceived value of mattresses. Now that I'm getting older, I've been urged by my co-workers and family that I can't afford to not get a nice mattress and leave the days of "back-alley furniture deals" alone (the last mattress I bought was behind a furniture liquidator store around 11pm @ night -- it was a queen set for $149...just grimey). Simone has politely addressed her concerns about my having suitable bedding by the time of her arrival next week. I thought I had assured her that I would have everything taken care of, but maybe the fiasco in Georgia this weekend scared her into thinking I would just say "phuckit!" and deal with the mattress-issue later. The subtle indication of concern gradually increased with each statement she made last night: "I don't mean to sound selfish, but I don't want to be hurting (from sleeping on the floor) and have to go back to work on Monday." "You won't," I assured her. "I'll have a mattress by the time I get you." Keep in mind, this is about the third or fourth time she's mentioned my getting a mattress in a 12-hour period. "I'm just gonna be honest-- I don't think you're gonna get a mattress before Christmas," she said. "Why?" "Nobody is gonna deliver this week." I sighed, grabbed my keys and went to my car. She asked me where I was going and I told her I was returning back to the office so I can access the internet on my laptop and find a mattress and quote a price to rent a U-Haul (yes, those bastards again) for a couple of hours. She was livid that I went out into the obscure night @ 10pm to follow-up on HER concern. I knew I was going to make it happen before she got here, but I thought I'd @ least speak to her peace of mind and make proactive plans. She took it as my having an attitude. I didn't have one. By the time she badgered me about leaving my apartment and going back to the office, I DID have an attitude. We argued. We hung up on each other. We stopped being so argumentative. We talked. We resolved our issues. We said we loved each other. In the interim, I was able to locate a mattress company not far from my house. The next day (today), I went by the mattress company afterlunch and after laying on pillowtops, haggling price and just succumbing to the fact that I was gonna have to come up off some cheese-- I managed to secure a $600+ mattress for $349. Thanks to the ridiculous sales tax (10%) and delivery charges (YES, they will deliver it tomorrow), I ended up shelling out a little over $400. Dayum, I hated coming up off that money for a bed. But on the real, it's a very nice mattress that I'm sure will give me years of comfort...whatever. The bottom line is that I know Simone will like it and together we'll enjoy the hell out of it. Afterall, she and I are the only people who will ever sleep on it...besides my son. Dayum, I hated coming up off that money for a bed. I need to just get over it; but I gotta vent because that's just what I do when it comes to purchases over $250. If it's over a grand, I really get the blues, but $400 isn't so bad considering that I could have spent a lot more. Dayum, I hated coming up off that money for a bed. But on the real, I'm blessed to even have the means to put a roof over my head that would even REQUIRE my getting a bed. It wasn't too long ago, I was sitting in my sweats painting pictures in my parents' basement...GOD has looked out for me in 2004, I can't front. So now I can rest easy, physically and spiritually...

intensified

2004-12-21T10:42:00.000-06:00

I only have another day in this office before I head off to the cold Midwest to be with my son and pick up Simone. Just one day stands between me and hours of travel, piercing winds, an ecstatic 7-year old and a beautiful 27-year old. It's not the day that really bothers me, but the incredible mounds of shyt I have to complete prior to leaving!!! In addition to the 7-8 tasks I need to complete by COB today, I need to find a mattress - thanks to the a$$holes @ U-Haul in Georgia. Last night, I slept on the floor (again) with a comforter, mattress pad, thermal blanket and sleeping bag underneath me. I talked to Simone, played a few rounds of Ms.PacMan & Galaga (I'm old school) before finally passing out. I woke up this morning and made a breakfast burrito while watching VH1...yea, at least I got cable (lol)! This sleeping on the floor is for the birds and I certainly cannot have Simone joining me on the berber carpet of slumber...that's just not a good look. *sigh* I guess I better stop blogging and get back to work.

last but not least

2004-12-20T11:57:00.000-06:00

I read this and said I wasn't gonna bite, but I can't resist. You can blame Shaunte for giving me the inspiration to construct this random blog content (by the way, nice piano on your site). Last person that.... x. Slept in your bed: me x. Saw you cry: me. x. Made you cry: Simone x. You shared a drink with: Simone x. You went to the movies with: my son (we went to see "Incredibles") x. You went to the mall with: me. x. Yelled at you: Simone (she does a lot, doesn't she?) x. Sent you an email: my boss x. You kissed: Simone HAVE YOU EVER... x. Said "I Love You" and meant it? yes. x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: yes. my cat tried to flex once over her twins. x. Been to California: yes, Los Angeles x. Been to Hawaii: no. x. Been to Mexico: no. x. Been to China: no, but that would be the jump off x. Been to Canada: too many times x. Danced naked: hell to the no x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: no. x. Wish you were the opposite sex: hell to the nizzawl! no down-low brother here! x. Had an imaginary friend: yes. his name was Tom and we kicked it in the early 80s. x. Do you have a crush on someone: yes. you know the name x. What book are you reading now: GOOD TO GREAT by Jim Collins x. Worst feeling in the world: hearing Simone say "I don't care." x. Future son's name: Junior x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no. x. What's under your bed: nothing. x. Favorite sport to watch: football x. Piercings/tattoos: ears/tattoos all over the upper arms x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: yes. EXTRA STUFF... x. Do you do drugs: never. x. Do you drink: sometimes. x. What are you most scared of: losing my family. x. What clothes do you sleep in: T-shirt and shorts x. Where do you want to get married: it doesn't matter as long as Simone is the bride. x. Who do you really hate: no one. x. Been in Love: yes. x. Do you likebeing around people: yes. x. Are you for world peace: why not? x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: yes. Rachel True never called me back. x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: thankfully, I have no "type." x. Are you lonely right now: no, I'm just alone. x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: "Can You Handle It" by Usher. x. Do you want to get married: yes. x. Do you want kids: yes, I would like more (I'm already a parent). FAVORITE... x. Room in house: bathroom...it's my personal stankuary x. Type(s) of music: everything except polka. x. Color(s): Blue x. Perfume or cologne?: Bvlgari Extreme x. Month(s): October. x. Stone: Marble IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU... x. Cried: no x. Bought something: yes x. Gotten sick: yes (my chest is congested now). x. Sang: yes. x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes x. Met someone new: no. x. Missed someone: yes x. Hugged someone: yes x. Kissed someone: no *whew* Now you know ALL my business. LOL.

the most wonderful time

2004-12-20T09:05:00.000-06:00

The weekend was spent in my former city of residence, a small town in Southern Georgia. My purpose for going was to get the last of my personal belongings (i.e., furniture) out of storage and give final closure to a town that made me a local celebrity and gave me the most torrid memories to date. I don't miss that place at all. Nevertheless, the entire trip was for nothing-- thanks to the very unprofessional practices of U-Haul. I reserved a truck TWO WEEKS in advance and these jerks call me, the day I'm supposed to pick it up, and tell me that they are "still trying to locate a truck" for me. At this point (Saturday afternoon), I just told them to forget and cancelled my reservation and dared them to try and charge me $50 for cancelling on the day of the reservation. Okay, I'm done venting about that. On the flipside, I did get to see one of my friends and his wife while I was there. They made a big deal out of my being there and put together a quick barbecue get-together in my honor. Great. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful, but I just don't connect with the energy I feel when I'm down there. It was good seeing them, but I think I was just upset that the primary purpose for my trip was not acheived. I sucked it up, grilled some lamb chops and tried to forget about the failed task. All the while, I periodically talked to Simone and she kept me company during my late night drive back to my new apartment. I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. I'll get to see my parents, my son and my Simone. Last year, I spent Christmas alone in my apartment. No money. No family. It was not a good look. This year, my life has done a complete 180-degree turn and I'll be able to see all the people I love dearly...with the exception of one, but that's another blog entirely. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

do u know what today is?

2004-12-17T13:58:00.000-06:00

the phone rings twice. I answer. Fave: Hello? Simone: Hi. Fave: *sigh* What is it? Simone: I'm sorry. Fave: Don't worry about it. Simone: I just don't want to be hurt. Fave: Me neither. Simone: I won't hurt you. Fave: Okay- and I won't hurt you. Simone: I believe you. She believes me...that's just as energizing to me as "I love you." There was a time when Simone didn't believe me and she really had no reason to believe me. I always loved her, but I had some f**ked up ways of showing it. Vice versa. We got it together now and sometimes, fear fueled by our pasts can rear its ugly head. Last night, she and I had to do some negativity decapitation. I love that woman so much and I know she loves me. Ten years ago today, I was a poor college student home for Christmas break. I went by my homeboy's job to say what's up and I ended up meeting this cute, little high school senior. She was so fine and her smile was so pretty-- I wrote a song about her right there on the spot. Who would've thought that fateful meeting on December 17, 1994 would change our lives forever? I love you, Simone.

blogger's choice awards

2004-12-16T16:22:00.000-06:00

Jazz had this on her blog, so I figured I would provide my choices on my own blog (thanks Jazz). 1. 3 PART QUESTIONS,...PRINCE OR MJ? USHER OR JUSTIN?BABYFACE OR BRIAN MCKNIGHT? Clearly MJ gets the most props for being the world's biggest entertainer. Usher (despite his arrogance) sings rings around Justin. Brian McKnight is the world's greatest ballad songwriter. 2. 4 PART QUESTIONS,......LINDSEY LOHANN OR HILLARY DUFF?DEBBIE GIBSON OR TIFFANY?BRANDY OR MONICA?WHITNEY OR MARIAH? Hillary Duff, simply because I know who she is (lol). Debbie Gibson for obvious reasons. Brandy because she has truly evolved. Undecided because Whitney & Mariah is like choosing the lesser of two diva-evils (lol). 3. SEX & THE CITY OR DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES? Sex & The City because they had that freaky-ass Kim Catrell 4. WHAT'S THE BEST UPN SHOW? Half & Half (I'm in a 6-year ficticious love-affair with Rachel True). 5. FRIENDS OR WILL & GRACE? Friends gets longevity props. 6. WHAT'S THE BEST SPORT? (football, baseball, basketball, hockey,surfing,etc) Football is the only sport that matters? 7. FAVORITE DESIGNERS? (Mizrahi, D&B, Channel, Sean John, Calvin, Ralph,etc.) I love Sean John, but Ralph gets the pick. 8. NEW BALANCE OR NIKE? New Balance is hella betta on the feet. 9. BEST HIPHOP CREW? (Dungeon Family, G-Unit, Flip Mode, etc.) A Tribe Called Quest (Tip/Kamaal, Phife, Ali Shaheed Muhammed) 10. BEST CELLULAR COMPANY? Cingular Wireless 11. BEST CHARACTER/CAST MEMBER OF ALL TIME FROM MTV'S REAL WORLD? The black dude...always the black dude. 12. DESTINY'S CHILD, EN VOGUE OR XSCAPE? En Vogue ushered the female group vibe into the millennium. 13. JANET OR J-LO? Janet...it's a Jackson Thing 14. BRITNEY, JESSICA OR CHRISTINA? Christina because she's the closest to black out of the three. 15.TRIBE CALLED QUEST OR THE ROOTS? (I know I am so wrong for even comparing) You are HELLA wrong for that...ATCQ. 16.EMINEM, VANILLA ICE OR BUBBA SPARX? Eminem because he's an ill MC, white/black/whatever 17.DONNIE HATHAWAY OR OTIS REDDING? Donnie because he played the piano. 18.MAYA ANGELO, ALICE WALKER, TONI MORRISON OR NIKKI GIOVANNI? Maya Angelo, the godmother of black female poetry. 19. STEVEN SPIELBERG, EAST COAST OR WEST COAST?FOR BLACK AMERICANS, ATLANTA OR D.C.? A-TOWN!!! 21.2 PART QUESTIONS.....BEST BOY BANDS......NEW EDITION, H-TOWN, GUY, TROOP, SHAI, SILK OR BOYS II MEN, ETC?NSYNC, 98 DEGREES, OAKTOWN, BACKSTREET BOYS, MENUDO, ETC? B O Y Z II M E N 22.DENZEL WASHINGTON, BLAIR UNDERWOOD OR LAWRENCE FISHBURN? Denzel (c'mon, that was easy). 23. WILL SMITH, WESLEY SNIPES, TAYE DIGGS, OMAR EPPS OR MORRIS CHESTNUT? Morris Chestnut is very underrated. 24. NIA LONG, VIVICA FOX, JADA PINKET SMITH GABRIELLE UNION OR SANAA LATHAN? Sanaa Lathan (she's up there with Rachel True) 25. LOVE JONES, HAV PLENTY OR 2 CAN PLAY THAT GAME? Hav Plenty is in my Top 10...I'm surprised it was even mentioned.

adult responsibilities

2004-12-16T13:39:00.000-06:00

So now the rubber meets the road. Lately, Toya (see #8 on FN Top 10) has been giving me honorable mentions in her blogspace. I don't frequent her blog like I used to (keeping in mind, that's how we met); however, Simone has some TBPTF (Toya Blog Police Task Force) that notifies her everytime she or I am mentioned in this young woman's blog. The consequence...I get reprimanded for the things that Toya writes in her space. The latest tift comes from Toya's blog mentioning me for a third consecutive time. I have not contacted Toya in any way, shape or form...but I'm highly frustrated-- well, lemme just say it: I am thoroughly pissed that I have to be held responsible (by Simone) for things written by another adult (i.e., Toya) on their personal blogspace. The blog entries supposedly suggests that I still contact her. BUT I DON'T. Allow me to make a few points just so that I can see the words for myself.

Toya was a mistake. We connected and shared a cool friendship that went too far. I am to blame for that and I have no problems taking responsiblity for it. On the flipside, I made it known that I still had conflicting feelings about Simone...it was no secret. Yes, I connected with her. Yes, I flew to see her. Yes, I slept with her. I am not proud of any of that, but as a man- I refuse to run from my actions...good or bad.

I do not...I repeat, DO NOT contact Toya anymore. The last thing I did was send her child something I had promised to send before things turned sour. I was just keeping my word. Since then, I have gotten a group email as well as a mistaken phone call. I didn't respond to the email and I did not leave the mistaken phone call open-ended. I LOVE SIMONE and I am not going to jepoardize that by talking with someone I was intimate with and have no intentions of keeping in my life.

Simone has a friend that I do not like at all. I've never said it out loud, but there you go...I cannot f**king stand his vertically-challenged, nasal-overcompensated ass. The true details of her friendship with this guy were withheld from me. They've kissed. They've messed around. He's even tried to go down on her unsuccessfully (but he tried). He's still in her life. I don't push for her to stop contacting him; she says that it will end on its own. Yet, this is the same person she talks to prior to her calling me for dayum "space."

I've done some foul things during this journey with Simone. Those transgressions often seem to overshadow the dirt she's done, but whatever. The fact is that I made a promise to GOD that, if he brought Simone back to me, I would do right by her and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES would I play with her heart. Remember that scene in the Best Man, when Morris Chestnut was talking to Taye Diggs in the bathroom? That's what I'm on. She has forgiven me and I, in turn, plan to give my life to her totally. I've cut off all the ancillary people (mainly women), I've gotten fully tested (with ALL negative results) and I have been honest...dammit, I've been so honest with this woman.

But now she wants space.

hollow holiday

2004-12-16T13:18:00.000-06:00

Last nite was the first nite I spent in my new apartment. I got up and went to my doctor's appointment. I got great news and I am indeed a healthy, clean young man. I was able to get the appropriate documents to communicate my "cleanliness" to Simone. I get to work and I start my day. I work. I paused. I blogged. I get a phone call. Simone wants something. Space. I didn't do anything wrong. Space. I have an ugly past. Space. I've done everything I know to do. Space. Space. Muh-fuggin' space.

when u don't have anything 2 write

2004-12-16T12:14:00.000-06:00

This quiz from Xquizzyt comes in handy. Plus, who wants to read deep stuff during the holidays??? Three names you go by: Fave BigDogg GooGooMonsta Three screen names you have: FavoriteNitemare FaveNite FN Three things you like about yourself: My humor My intelligence My compassion Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: My sensitivity My newly-developed (soon to be supressed) temper My gynecomastia Three parts of your heritage: African (i.e., Sierre Leon) American (i.e., Mississippi) Three things that scare you: Regret Regret Intense pressure on the nipples Three of your everyday essentials: Music Pedometer Cologne Three things you are wearing right now: Polo button-up shirt Tommy Hilfiger socks RayBan eyewear Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Kanye West Mos Def Deborah Bond Three of your favorite songs at present: "Can U Handle It?" by Usher "Panties" by Mos Def "Half Price" by Kanye West Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: Working out consistently Low-cholesterol diet Diversifying my investment portfolio (instead of just looking @ it) Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): Honesty Hilarious moments Oral gratification (and that doesn't mean saying "thank you") Two truths and a lie: My testoterone levels are nearly 6 times higher than normal. I was offered a job as an FBI agent. I slept with a married woman and got her pregnant. Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: Eyes Smile Feet Three things you just can't do: Whistle Eat okra (yuck!) The Breaststroke ( although, I CAN swim!) Three of your favorite hobbies: Writing (i.e., blogging) Painting Playing throwback video games (e.g., Galaga, Ms.PacMan, etc.) Three things you want to do really badly right now: Vacation on an island Lose weight Live in the same city as Simone Three careers you're considering: I love my job, so there's no need to consider anything else. Three places you want to go on vacation: Las Vegas, Nevada St. Martin (island) Nice, France Three kids names: Miles Zeni Sanaa Three things you want to do before you die: Get right with the Lord...that's all that matters Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully: Shaunte Grayse Saga

seeking

2004-12-16T11:21:00.000-06:00

This came from my visit to Xquizzyt's blog (thanks homegirl).

Do I agree with this? Not totally. But what out there is 100% accurate?

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

mighty official

2004-12-15T17:51:00.000-06:00

I drove in from Nashville today. I got here just in time for my 3pm appointment. After weeks of practically living out of my car/hotel/parents' house...I have my own place and it feels great. The apartment is smaller than my last digs, but much more modern and efficient for my current lifestyle. It's perfect for me and that's all I could ask for it to be. I talked to Simone for most of my drive. After I completed the walk-through of the apartment, I called her back as I drove to my office. She's always the first person I call whenever ANYthing happens...good or bad. I gave her my new home phone number and she told me that she got the card and letter I sent her while I was in Florida. It was just small talk into I made it to my office. When I arrived, there were TONS of boxes on my desk and in my chair. My parents' Christmas presents had arrived (fyi- online shopping is the bomb!) along with some additional items pertaining to work. Simone's special gift didn't come in; but according to the shipping slip, that company has another day before I call snapping on them. As I opened my packages, Jessica came over to my desk. She is a marketing coordinator for my main client and 1 of 3 people of color in the office, including myself. She has been having a rough time with her job responsibilities and I have been really adamant about encouraging her whenever I'm in the office. Anyway, she just stopped by to announce that she was being promoted to marketing analyst on January 1st and that meant a hefty raise to compensate her for all the hard-work she's been doing. It's good to celebrate in other people's blessing and she so deserved it. I guess overall, it was just a good day. Now, I gotta go mattress-hunting and preparing to move. I'm excited, but that excitement is supressed until I complete my work projects...THEN I can celebrate. Plus, with all the travelling I've been doing, I just need some time to get some rest. Hopefully, the holidays mixed with spending time with my son and Simone, will provide that for me. Until then, I am still and always thankful for God's blessings on this day...

the twenty-o-fizzle (fa shizzle)

2004-12-14T16:06:00.000-06:00

December is often times a period of reflection over the past year. I understand that we must look where we came from in order to know where we're going; but I'd rather take the lessons learned instead of the entire experience, into the future. I mean, I know how to add/subtract/multiply/divide...so why should I have to lug around a pack of dayum flash cards like I did in the third grade??? Okay, that's not my best analogy, but you feel me... The absolute best and worst periods of my life occured in 2004...so dayum what? What's important is that I learned valuable lessons about life and love that will insure that I don't repeat the same stupid mistakes I made this year. That's what I'm excited about. To sit and focus on the past just doesn't work for me. I'm excited about the future because that is what I have control over. 2005 is going to be an awesome year.

on being fave

2004-12-12T21:49:00.000-06:00

I had to stop by the office tonight because I left my laptop :( Now, I'm headed towards the hotel in the city where the photo shoot will be tomorrow morning. It's only about another 45 minutes on the road, so it won't be so bad. Hopefully, I'll be able to catch Simone on my cellphone to keep me company. This past weekend had me thinking about the words I speak and write. During my travels last week, I purchased and listened to the audiobook version of Drive Me Crazy by Eric Jerome Dickey. I had pre-ordered the hardcover, but my mother jacked it from me before I could read it. Nevertheless, I bought the audiobook (which consists of 4 cassette tapes) and I can honestly say that I'm hooked on audiobooks. It is a great alternative to music and/or listening to the hum of the road as I race down the highway. Now all I need is XM Radio in my ride and I'm in travel heaven. I love EJD's work and this book was no different...very well written. When I arrived @ my parents' house, I introduced my mother to the Browns. It was the best $30 I had spent in a long time. Just to hear my mother's laughter and, subsequently, my father's laughter (he had to come in the room and see what was going on) was priceless. In addition to entertaining my parents, the Browns kept them out of my hair in order to get some much needed rest :) All this literary and contemporary theatre exposure got me thinking about my book, loosely based on my 10-year journey with Simone (and still eagerly anticipated by my editor and potential readers). It's sitting on my jump drive, waiting for me to give it some attention. I need to get motivated about publishing it. I didn't do all that hard work for nothing. Then, I got to thinking about all those completed and uncompleted stageplays I have stored on the hard drive of my desktop with accompanying songs...already written. At church today, I was walking with my father and this older woman walked up to me and touched my right shoulder. "When are you coming to join our choir?" she said in a boisterous tone. I replied with an equally heightened energy, "Excuse me?" Her eyes dropped towards the floor, almost like an embarassed schoolgirl. It was kind of strange. This woman looked almost old enough to be my mother. I guess she thought I had caught an attitude- because I didn't know her. She repeated in a meek tone, "When are you coming to join our choir?" This time, I my reply was intentionally more jovial - to let her know that I wasn't upset. "You have never heard me play or sing a note." "I don't have to...you LOOK like a musician," she answered before motioning behind my father and walking off. My dad looked @ me, chuckled, then walked out the door as well. That wasn't the first time I had heard that. I've been so focused on work that I have totally neglected that aspect of my life. It's not quite time to revisit Fave, the musician or writer. I got to make a firm foundation in my career in order to continue doing the things I like to do and having the resources to do them comfortably. I am making a promise, right here and now, to edit and publish that book as well as look into producing the plays I've written. I'm not the next Tyler Perry or EJD...I just want to be the one and only Fave and be the best @ being him. Lemme get on this road.

discovery

2004-12-11T14:33:00.000-06:00

As I prepare to move next week, I was going through a crate full of hand-written prose and poems I've written over the years. They were mostly unfinished poems (honestly, I just got into writing prose this year) and discarded love notes from as far back as college. I came across this one poem that was dated back to 1998. It had quite a bit of content, so it caught my attention. I read it. My eyes bulged. This poem is about Simone. Back in 1998, Simone and I used to keep me company on the phone as I worked 3rd shift. I was also pledging @ the time, so our conversations allowed me to decompress from the "non-existent" hazing (because we all know that I'm a part of a non-hazing fraternal organization...heh heh) I endured during the day. Although we met in '94, it was in the summer of '98 that we really got to know each other through our conversations. Somewhere, in the midst of late night exchanges and subtle arguments, a molecule of love was implanted in my mind and laid dormant for years to come. The poem I had found was about her and, even though we didn't talk "togetherness" back then, I think that this poem represents that "molecule" because it is so on point for what is going on in our lives now...six (6) years after I wrote it. "Christian Wife" by FaveNite Remember when I asked what you wanted in a man? Your requirements, at first glance, didn’t seem all that bad Until I created my own list on what it takes to give you bliss I went to your best friend to find out more information How could I be the one you pick to raise a small nation? He told me I had to stop the occasional drinks on Saturdays I would have to elevate her status past the Monday Night football games He said that your needs would be a glass I would have to continuously fill I would have to let you raise the kids while I handle the bills Because you belong to Him and I had to become His as well Before all the other requirements, this is essential for me to love you I used to be a minister But “used” is the sad word in that phrase Other women have fulfilled my carnal dreams But you make me think I should stop running away It’s a blessing to be a blessing and you’re a blessing in my life As I contemplate “your list”—I know you’ll be a great Christian wife...

give up

2004-12-11T13:07:00.000-06:00

The sweet and moist warmth of having my tongue nestled between the rapturous walls of her steamy center. I can feel the edges of my nostrils slide gracefully across her trembling flesh as I dive deeper inside of her. At that moment, with my nails gently burrowed into her ample bottom, nothing and no one exists as I taste my way towards ecstasy- with her moans and name cries as my guide. Those are the kind of memories I gravitate towards to keep me from becoming angry. It amazes me how two people, who share so much spiritual/emotional/sexual/mental connection, can sometimes feel so distant. In the past, our disagreements would send me to a temperment so extreme- that I often forgot "why" I was so angry. These are things I prayed about and, thankfully, that temper has been miraculously removed. I no longer get angry at every little tift; instead, I often become saddened and inquisitive about what I can do to make the situation better. I feel that there are subtle hypocrises attempting to enter the relationship between my girlfriend and I. She has imposed the following demands: 1. Do not raise your voice @ me (under ANY circumstances). 2. Do not use profanity when communicating with me. 3. Do not continue to repeat a point "over and over and over." The dichotomy of these demands are- she often times (with the exception of #2) does the exact same thing and gets belligerent when it is identified within herself. In simpler terms, she raises her voice and she asks me to express myself and repeat, if necessary. In the past, I would become very angry @ this; but now, I'm just confused @ it. In the grand scheme of things, I just want to understand and I don't see it as a major problem. But it is a problem. It is that series of miniscule problems that multiply and fuel its escalation to something with possible catastrophic consequences (e.g., heated arguments, breakups, etc.). What I am learning is that problems, disagreements and such can be addressed and defused with communication. I'm a little disheveled right now, but I will not give up. She may be upset right now, but I pray that she wants to talk it through because she doesn't want to give up on me. I love her. She loves me. This is something made up off of that "grandma-grandpa love." The kind where, no matter what, they stick together. No matter what, I'll stick by her. When I'm confused/angry/frustrated...I'll just think of the most erotic, freaky-deeky memory of her I can muster in my mind. I'll smile. I'll think of the matter @ hand and then we'll talk. One thing that I share with Simone that I have never shared with any woman in my life is the ability to resolve conflict. To never give up.

fall back and be easy

2004-12-09T15:21:00.000-06:00

I'm in the home stretch of my week. Today has been hectic as hell, so I had to take a moment to blog away the stress. I'm in City 7 of 7, aka Pensacola, FL. The weather is nice (75 degrees) and I spent the night bayside- you could smell the gulf in the air. Too bad my day started @ 4am (again) and by the time the sun rose, I was already 20 minutes deep into my presentation. It was a good morning with good people, though. I didn't mind. I'm about 40 minutes from my final presentation and then I'm headed back to my home office. I found out today that I will be travelling AGAIN on Monday for a photo shoot, prior to my trip to Nashville on Tuesday. Let's not forget that I have to be back by Wednesday afternoon to get the keys to my new place (ugh!). Next week is shaping up to be just as crazy as this week has been. It leaves me to ask myself (or maybe I should be asking my company)... When am I going to be able to fall back and be easy? In all fairness, I'm not the only one their running crazy. My counterparts are just as exhausted; yet, just as dedicated to their roles in this company's success. And this IS a successful company. I'm just glad to be a part of history. But I'm sure my body would be glad to be a part of a hot Epsom salt bath. It's time to get back on the grind...

blog break

2004-12-08T08:20:00.000-06:00

Some people take smoke breaks-- I'm taking a blog break ;) I know I said that there would be a little "hiatus" during this heavy travel week; however, I'm finding myself having more downtime than I had anticipated. When you couple that with internet access @ every location (e.g., office, hotel), I'm gonna blog something just to keep my mind fresh and my thoughts active. I miscalculated my number of cities...it's SEVEN (7) instead of six (6). I just finished the presentation @ City 4 of 7 and now I'm about to do some follow-work (i.e., check email, voicemail, etc.) prior to heading out to City 5 of 7 for our 3:30pm presentation. I slept well last night-- the Hilton Gardens is off the chain! The guy @ the front desk looked like a gay Fred from Scooby Doo...and fun-boy was flaming hella hard in his tight-ass grey vest, white shirt and orange/blue striped tie. There were a plate of complimentary sugar cookies on the desk counter. Another hotel guest walked up behind me and looked at the plate. He raised his eyebrow @ the desk clerk. "What happened to all the chocolate chip?!" In the most stereotypical "gay voice" I ever heard, the clerk replied, "Ah yes, they were devoured rather quickly...weren't they?" Then he flung his golden blonde hair from out of his right eye- in order to make contact with this portly, middle-aged businessman. The hotel guest kind of looked...violated, and just walked off. I just want my key so I can go back to the car and bust out laughing (it doesn't help that I have Simone on my cell phone during this whole thing). I got my key from the fun-boy extraordanairre and went to my comfortable room. Despite the good slumber, I still had to get up @ 4am (BOOOOOOOO!). I went to sleep with Simone's voice in my ear, just like I had imagined. It wasn't all sweet nothings-- we got into a lil' tiff about Toya and just my hurting her (Simone) overall. I understand the concern because she and I both did a lot of hurting in the beginning stages. What I try to communicate to her is that we have overcome those obstacles and, rather than focus on a detriment that is TOTALLY PREVENTABLE, we should stay the course and continue to be honest and good to one another. I know I did some dumb shyt in the past and quite honestly, I DON'T deserve to have the love I know have. But now that I have it, I made a promise to GOD (not just her) to take very good care of her and the love she gives me. That alone is why I am not worried about other women, temptation, the past, etc. It' s out there and I WILL be tested. But I am so in love with Simone. I don't care who knows and I am NOT gonna mess this up... Let me get some work done.

the fave "how much" exercise

2004-12-07T22:41:00.000-06:00

Try this exercise...there is a point to it, trust me. Immediately after reading this sentence, I want you to hold your breath and then continue reading until you get to the word "STOP" in red letters. Go. Now, count to ten... 1....2..3..4..5...6...7.....8...9....10 Feel it yet? You wanna breathe, don't you? Well, don't! (or @ least try not to) Okay, it's probably really getting on your nerves now, huh? Do you feel your body DEMANDING oxygen??? All of a sudden, nothing else matters...not even reading this post. You don't want to breathe...you NEED TO BREATHE! STOP! *gasps* Now, I want to first thank you for participating in this interactive blog-exercise. The point is this: That time I had you count, continue reading, etc. is the time I'm spending away from Simone. That undeniable desire to breathe is exactly how much I missed her today. That demand, that need to breathe is very symbolic to how much I miss her just about everyday. Somedays are worst than others, but when I'm out of town- going from meeting to meeting and hotel to hotel - I miss her even more. I'm counting the days that I see her again, because I miss her. I mean, I still function and do everything I need to do (I'm not tearing up and clutching her photograph against my chest)-- it's just a wonderful feeling to FINALLY have the woman you've always wanted; at the same time, it's an intense feeling to not have her around and miss her terribly. I don't know if she's figured out that I have a blog and that I'm posting constantly about her, but just in case... I miss you.