a jazz funeral

Last nite was pretty cool: watching my colleagues stroll along the French Quarter, checking out bands and taking specialty shots. Nothing was done in bad taste and, trust me, the opportunity was there. That says something about the integrity of my team and it makes me proud to be a part of them. Today has been intense as usual, but we wrapped up the meeting portion of the day by 1pm. Afterwards, we went on a streetcar tour of the city. I learned a few New Orleans tidbits and managed to catch a few Zs in the back of the car. The dayum tour was over 2 hours long, so you know I had to put on my MP3 player and catch an extended blink ;) We concluded the tour @ Mother's restaurant. I haven't had food THAT good in years. Catfish, gumbo, jambalaya, etoufee, oysters, chicken, bread pudding, etc...It was not a game! I ate in moderation (i.e., one plate) and still got stuffed. That's why I'm sitting in my hotel room right now, trying to take it easy before our reception this evening. I'm going to try and hit the stores and the base of the hotel for about 30-45 minutes as well. I've been thinking about last night all day. Shortly after leaving my audioblog, I began walking back towards my hotel while talking to Simone on my cellphone. Why is it that she can get pissed (again) about something and I don't even know what it is??? Fave: What's with the attitude? Simone: You don't know? Fave: No, I really don't. Simone: Then ain't no point in saying anything then... Uh, that's a GREAT POINT to say something! Apparently, she was mad because I didn't call her back the night before I flew out. I called her from the plane and she sounded fine, so why do you have an attitude later that nite? I don't get it. I called from the plane, the cab, the hotel, left the hotel number, kept the phone on my person the whole time. But I DID tell her that I would call her back later that nite; I made a conscious decision (based on her indifferent tone that nite) to not call back and possibly irritate her. I then opted to just go to sleep @ my parent's place and wake up early in order to get ready to fly out. THAT was my contribution of disrespect, I told her I would call and I didn't. This faux pas undermines every positive thing I've done. Go figure. This conversation goes from the streets of the French Quarter to the hotel lobby to (finally) my room. While en route, my cell phone lost its signal...like cell phones often like to do. I immediately call her back. No answer. Call her again. No answer. Left a message. Called again. No answer. Called one more time. She picks up. Fave: Sorry, my pho... Simone: It's "amazing" how your phone always seems to go out when I'm saying something you don't wanna hear. Fave: No, it really did go out of range, Simone. That's why I called back. I called back a few times. I even left you a message. Simone: (sighs) Whatever. Fave: (getting frustrated) Why would I keep calling you back if I hung up on YOU??? Simone: I just find it pretty amazing... What started as an issue about proper phone etiquette turned into a "diggin' in the crates" for hurtful shyt to say. The most recent gripe? The fact that I spoke with Toya this past weekend over the phone while I was in Atlanta. That was brought up as a serious negative. Keep in mind, I haven't talked to Toya since November-- however, she still keeps in contact with her ex-husband as well as another platonic friend that she once messed around with just last year. These individuals are within a 15-20 minute drive to her locale; however, Toya (and any other random woman she chooses to throw in my face) is a day road trip, if not, a plane ride away. Most importantly, I DON'T WANT THEM and I've made that very clear. Meanwhile, she vows to cut ties with her past, only to inform me of conversations they have a week later. I dunno. That's the least of my worries. She tries to make that some big deal, but I don't see a point in it. I am faithful to her. I love her. I express it more than the average man. More than the ABOVE average man. I'm not perfect, but dammit...I didn't deserve being scolded for that. Simone: But you shouldn't have even spoke to her. Fave: Why not? What's wrong with being polite? Simone: She posted foul shyt about you AND me on her blog and you wanna be polite? Fave: Why should I be an ass? Simone: (ranting) You're the "emotional basket-case with the bitchy ex-girlfriend." Apparently the aforementioned was a line from Toya's blog. Whatever. Fave: Well, I apologize. Okay? I made a mistake. Simone: You made a mistake when you screwed her. *breaks pump* Now, let's keep in mind that while I was in B'more with Toya- Simone was in a hotel room in Indiana with another man getting served. Under normal circumstances, one foul action cancels out the other. There is no room for her to judge. But she does. The theme of the conversation was respect, or lack thereof. How can you demand respect from someone when you blatantly have no respect nor regards for the feelings of the person with whom you demand the respect? "You better respect me, but here- lemme slam this dagger through your sternum and twist it." That's how I felt and, despite the day I've had in New Orleans, that's how I've felt all day. The sky is grey and it's darkening the river outside my window. Now that I'm away from my colleagues and "team-building" I can let my real feelings loose on this here blog ;) I wish I could fully enjoy these trips, my career and this new, positive lifestyle. I HATE when she chooses to communicate with sarcasm, cynicism and lack of couth...but, she doesn't raise her voice and that makes it all good. I'm not hurt. I'm beyond that phase. I'm not pissed. That won't do me any good. All I want to do is love her and understand how to do it more effectively. I'm sad. My soul reflects the gim visions of muddy waters and the grimey ships that float above them. Melancholy. Dark. Dismal. Painful. I wish I could find a jazz funeral to cheer me up.